Microsoft Jokes 4

Name Change
Microsoft announced that they are to rename Windows 98 "Windows Diana". They expect that it too will be superficially attractive, consume lots of resources and crash horribly.

The Melissa Macrovirus.
"Email Virus running rampant through Microsoft programs"
"Email infected with the Melissa virus has a topic line that begins "Important Message From." Next is the sender's name, which is often the name of a friend, co-worker, or someone else known to the recipient.
The message within the e-mail is short and innocuous: "Here is that document you asked for...don't show it to anyone else :-) " Attached to it is a 40K Microsoft Word document named list.doc
When the recipient opens list.doc, the Melissa virus automatically searches for an e-mail address book. It then sends a copy of itself -- the message and attachment -- from the recipient to the first 50 names it finds in the recipient's address book, which accounts for the rapid distribution across the Internet."
"To work, it requires:
A version of Microsoft Word with the macro capabilities of Word97
Outlook (the real thing, not the totally unrelated Outlook Express)
An address book, preferrably with at least 50 entires
A gullible or naive user.
It really is almost exclusively a threat to large organizations, specifically those who have bought into the "Microsoft Uber Alles" line. Outlook is not free, and it is only worth buying if you use an Exchange server. If I could attribute any sort of deep thinking to the sorts of idiot who create these things, I would suspect that it is a direct attack on Microsoft, as it hits almost exclusively the customers they prize most highly."
Personally, I blame Bill Gates.
Microsoft boycotters can relax!

I have been assured that this next one is true. Since I boycott all Microsoft products, I have not tried it out myself.
If you are using Microsoft Word 97, write:
"I'd like to see Bill Gates dead".
Make sure language is set to English (United States), then check the entire phrase in the Thesaurus to see what comes up.
The reply in the thesaurus is:
"I'll drink to that".
As well, there is another one...if you type:
"unable to follow direction"
the Thesaurus shoots back:
"unable to get an erection".
Obviously Microsoft programmers need to have a little fun while working with Bill.

From CNNL
April 20, 1998
Windows 98 crashes during Gates' Comdex demo
CHICAGO (CNN) -- Microsoft chairman Bill Gates tried to demonstrate his company's latest product Monday, but the product -- Windows 98 -- didn't cooperate.

Gates was demonstrating the newest version of Microsoft's Windows operating system when it crashed during his presentation at the Comdex Spring 1998 Convention. The software is supposed make computers simpler to use.

Trying to impress the 4000-member audience with the most user-friendly aspects of the technology, Gates instead caused the computer running his demonstration to crash. It happened when an onstage assistant tried to plug in a "plug-and-play" scanner that turned out to be more like "plug-and-pray."

"I guess we still have some bugs to work out," said Chairman Bill, breaking into a sweat. "That must be why we're not shipping Windows 98 yet," he said. Gates was referring to the fact that Windows 98 was originally scheduled to be released last year, but has been rescheduled to ship to retailers on June 25.

Gates moved to another computer to complete his presentation, which was demonstrating how Windows 98 will be simpler to use.
God waits long but punishes fitting the crime!
After this was reported in alt.fan.bill-gates, here was one response"
"Geez, you guys don't no nothin' about MS software. Win98 crashes much faster than Win95. That's a big improvement in my book."

Innocent experiment: several hundred people dead.
From the Japan News Network:
Several hundred people die, in Tokyo Japan, while connected to their computers, via a local network. All persons were taking part in an experimental project, which went awry.
According to reports, it appears that these persons allowed their bodily functions to be controlled by the software on their computers, via a special series of electrodes hooked to their bodies. The program, was originally designed to be used to control erratic heart rhythms in patients suffering from heart disease. However, several computer users found that the software could be connected to other computers on the network, running "virtual reality" software, and cause the user to experience an out of body feeling, for time periods up to several hours.
From information provided by outside sources, it appears that this group of several hundred persons, had setup a large local, network, which anyone could connect to, within a specific region. Over the past weekend, the numbers of persons connected continued to climb, and it shows that at one time, there were well over one thousand people connected. Several of which had been connected for 5 to 6 days. Suddenly, around 2:30 in the morning of March 30, 1998, one portion of the network failed, which had a domino effect on the entire network. Any persons that were fully connected at the time, could not escape, and all died from heart failure at the exact same moment.
Authorities are unaware of the exact total number of deaths, since more bodies are still being discovered. However, at last count, the total number of fatalities was exceeding 300 persons.
One young man, in his early 20's, who had just disconneced himself from the computer, a few minutes before the system crash said he knew there was some sort of problem on the network, which is why he disconnected himself. He said he was thankful to be alive, and went on to say the the last few images that he saw on his computer screen, showed that there was a major system crash, due to a flaw in the Microsoft Windows 95 operating system, being used to run the experiments. The information given by him to authorities, proved that the computer failure was indeed caused by a failure in the Microsoft Windows 95 software, and investigators have determined that every computer linked into the network, would not restart, and all traces of data were entirely erased from all computers connected at that moment.
Further investigations are pending.

THE WINTEL WONDERLAND
Slave bells ring..are you listenning
Deep inside..something's burning
An Intel inside..we knew all along..walking in the wintel wonderland

Gone away..was a few bugs
Here to stay..are just more bugs
Windows with mites..as we go along..walking in the wintel wonderland

By the gallow we can see a DOSs-house
And the boss there was the richest louse
He'll start asking where you wanna go today
And every miles he leads we have to pay
Woooooo....

Later on..we configure
Something weird..we can't figure
We rather fly kites..then stressing along..walking in the wintel wonderland

Then we start..when we wanna stop
Wintel's back..to the shop
It gave so much frights..as we cry along..walking in the wintel wonderland

By the gallow we can see a DOSs-house
And the boss there was the richest louse
He'll start asking where you wanna go today
And every miles he leads we have to pay
Woooooo....

Then a man..with his great JOBS
As he toast..off those who robs
The man with foresight..P N' P along..walking in the wintel wonderland

Now we think..smart and different
Only fools..think like an infant
To buy the things right..ease of use all along..walking in the wintel wonderland

A pityful sight..as we crash along..walking in the wintel wonderland
A pitiful sight...as we crash
along...walking...in...the...wintellll...won...der...lannnnd....
....wow..wow..woooowwwww!

Toddler Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If I. . . Oops! I'm sorry; I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill Gates' primary Business Plan.

Technical Support
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
Microsoft Tech support Phone No. 1800 - SUCKERS

Software Problems
Over heard at a MIcrosoft programers meeting:
We can't ship this software because:
1) It's too perfect - we can't sell a bug-fix upgrade.
2) It appears to actually be stable.
3) It still loads in under fifteen minutes.
4) It runs too fast on a 386SX.
5) We can ship it on less than 6 CDs.
6) People will be able to run it without buying more memory.
7) Fully installed it takes less than 100mb of Hard drive space.
8) It is fully compatable with other software.
9) We finished it when we said we would.
10) There is a small town in Mongolia that hasn't been saturated with Microsoft advertisements yet.
TOP TEN CREATIVE DISTRIBUTION METHODS FOR INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0
We took a look at the new beta of Internet Explorer 4.0, and we have three choice words about the new release: man, that's big! The new IE is such a huge download that we doubt anybody in their right mind will want to grab it over a modem line, which means Microsoft is going to have to come up with alternate distribution methods, such as these:
10. Embed Internet Explorer in each copy of Netscape Communicator.
9. Give a stash of IE CDs to border guards in China; everybody crossing into Hong Kong gets one.
8. "Free inside each specially marked box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes!"
7. Summer jobs program: hire teenagers to replace the disc in Spice Girls CD packages with IE 4.0 CD-ROM.
6. "Scratcher" lottery CDs.
5. Get AOL to distribute IE.
4. Drop CD-ROMs from flying saucers over Roswell, New Mexico.
3. Free IE disc with your library card.
2. Airborne virus.
1. "Browser days" at your local ballpark!

Yeltsin, Clinton, and Gates met God
This is a variation on an older joke: The End of the World
Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to meet God
He tells them:
"I gathered the three most important people of the world to pass on my message: Tomorrow, I will destroy the earth!"
Yeltsin goes to his council and says:
"I have 2 pieces of bad news:
1) God exists and
2) He will destroy the earth tomorrow."
Clinton goes to the White House and says
"I have good and a bad news:
1) The good news is that God exists!
2) The bad news is that He will destroy the earth tomorrow."
Bill Gates enters Microsoft and says: "I have 2 pieces of good news:
1) I'm one of the three most important people on earth and
2) The year 2000 problem is solved!"

Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive colloseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delilght, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys!"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete!"

Welcome to Windows 98
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty.
Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (C). You'll notice immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (C) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (C) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.
Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (C) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed--permanently.
Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa."
Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.
We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an e-mail to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.
Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C).
Bill Gates.

New Windows Features
Microsoft proudly presents our new Windows features: BATMAN and ROBIN.
BATMAN stands for BATCH FILE MANAGER and with it you can run .bat files visually!
ROBIN is an another suberb product, READ-ONLY BINARY. It's our new patented invention, a file messed by a virus.
These new features are available for only $300 . These files are required by Microsoft Windows.
Without these your computer will crash tomorrow. Buy Now!

98 Crash Dialogs
(Sing it to the tune of "99 Red Balloons".)
We were in a hardware store
Buy a PC with the money we've got
Carried back with Win nine eight
Till one by one, plug in the cables
Turn it on, sparks in the software
Flash the message, "no drivers found"
Confused in my cubicle, 98 crash dialogs show up
* music starts now *
98 crash dialogs, staring at me from the screen
Panic clicks, it's an alert
There's something miss'n, from somewhere else
The dang machine springs to death
Opens up one big blue screen
Focusing it from the screen
98 crash dialogs show up
98 freezing screens, 98 software crashes
To worry, worry call for help
call the techs out in a hurry
This is what we bane for it
This is it boys, this is hell
The client is on the line
As 98 crash dialogs show up
98 crashes on us
with super-high-tech jet printers
Everyone's a hardware god
Everyone's a programmer
With orders to do trouble-shoot
To de-install and re-install
Pondering in lines of codes
As 98 crash dialogs show up
As 98 crash dialogs show upppppppppppppppp...
98 curse I have had
In everyone crash alerts
It's all over and I'm standing pissed
In this shit from a crapware
If I could find a solution
Just to prove an Ease of Use
And here is a crash dialog
I think again, I'll buy a Mac
* music fades off *
From: PUFF The Magic Dragon.

A tribute to the inventors. This song is written to show our gratitude and many thanks to Mac inventors and we like to dedicate this song to millions and millions of Mac Advocates. Sing to the tune of "We built This City"-Starrship.
WE BUILT THIS CITY

*chorus*
We built this City
We built this City on plug n'play
Built this City
We built this City on plug n'play
Say you don't know C, or recognise ma' codes
Say you don't care who needs, resource and all the loads
Right behind your (doors), filled with rotting corpse
So many of your clones, eating up the shops
In Nineteen Eighty Four..woh, here comes creatiiiooon
Don't you remmember?
We built this City
We built this City on plug n'play
*chorus*
Someone's always playin', the monopoly game
Who cares they're always changin', six forty k's to blame
We just wanna thrive here, and someone stole our staffs
You call this co-o..per..ra..tions, and write us dirty stuffs
In Nineteen Eighty Four..woh, here comes creatiiiooon
Don't you remmember?
We built this City
We built this City on plug n'play
*chorus*
guitar*
It's just another court case, in the lame old days
Lawyers have sealed your loop-holes, oh, and we just lost the case
Who counts the money, that was someone's yearn
Who writes the bugs and claims, innova..tiiiooon
Don't tell us you need us, cos we're the helpless lot
Looking out for justice, bringin' you to court
*broadcasting spoken* I'm looking out over Cupertino C.A, out on a gorgeous sunny Saturday I see the promising rainbow rising
*broadcasting spoken* This is your favourite company, the wonderful company that made your favourite machines' the company in C.A, the company that never slacks
In Nineteen Eighty Four..woh, here comes creatiiiooon
Don't you remember?
We built this City
We built this City on plug n'play
*repeat chorus twice*
*Support Vocals*We built, we built this OS built this OS
We built, we built this OS...

From Michael Wojcik
Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.
"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a 'General Protection Fault' or 'Illegal Operation' warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. He also mentioned that Microsoft is intending to add banner ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near future.
The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

From Jett Jacoby
Counterfeit Microsofters Arrested! By Linda Galeazzi Editor-in-Chief
June 6, 1999. Eight suspects have been arrested in connection with a counterfeiting ring that produced and sold illegal copies of such Microsoft products as Windows 98 and Office 97. Microsoft officials are relieved to hear of the arrests. "We don't like the idea of someone offering illegal copies of our software," said a source, "especially when their illegal copies run better than our legal and much higher-priced versions."
Retail value of the seized merchandise was estimated at approximately $56 million, and the suspects are now facing numerous charges, including trafficking, money laundering and a little-known law called Daring To Fuck With Bill Gates.
U.S. Attorney Alejandro Mayorkas told the press that the ring was being run out of Los Angeles and is checking out rumours that Mexican slaves were being used to mass-produce the phony software. "If it's true that they were paying illegal immigrants $1.50 a day to produce this crap, then these people are in even WORSE trouble than we initially thought," says an insider. "Microsoft only pays ITS illegal workers $1.15. How good does THAT look, huh?"
It seems the counterfeit programs were dangerously authentic-looking and came complete with fake Microsoft manuals showing how to run the programs. One purchaser became suspicious about the product when he ran through the manual and read such instructions as, "Insert CD Rom into that CD Rom thingy. Just look on the front of your computer. It should be there," and "This program may not run exactly as guaranteed. In fact, if you smell smoke, don't stop. Just run! Run for your life!"
"I knew when I read those instructions that this couldn't come from Microsoft," the insider says. "It was clear to me that this manual had been written by an intelligent, computer-savvy technician, and not some 'You want fries with that?' Microsoft technical writer."
The defendants are now in jail, awaiting bail hearings. CyberStones psychics predict that the eight will never EVER see the light of day again. I mean, come on .. we're talking MICROSOFT here! Bill Gates! 74 billion dollar net worth! Trust us, you can kiss these eight muchachos goodbye!

From Mick Tully.
Blue Screen of Death
"In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customise the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSoD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.
"The move comes as a result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked: "What do you spend the most time doing at your computer?"
A surprising number of respondents said: "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death". At 54%, it was the top answer, beating the second-place answer - "Downloading pornography" - by an easy 12 points.
"We immediately recognised this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers." Explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters. Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customisable BSoD, which appeared side-by-side with the older, boring and static version. Users can select from a collection of
"BSoD Themes", allowing them instead to have a Mauve Screen of Death, or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSoD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.
The BSoD is by far the most recognised feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control of its look-and-feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as "the ultimate information portal". By default, the new BSoD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customise the BSoD on systems they ship.
'Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, SEC & Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSoD. Ballmer concluded by getting a dig into Apple Mac and the Open Source community: "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than Open Source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux even
has a BSoD, let alone a customisable one."'

From M.A. Joy in Bahrain
I have a serious original joke about Bill Gates. It is imaginary and only a joke but could be a big secret about this man.
How did the name "Windows" originate?
Bill Gates wanted to be immortal by giving his name to the new product. However he was afraid that it will affect acceptance and sales of the new product and was a little shy as well to call the product the by his name "Gates". But he could not resist the temptation and thought of naming it "Doors" - a door is not very different from a gate functionally. But he thought that the resemblence was too obvious and he would be exposed in no time. So instead of Doors he chose "Windows" and he was not exposed till today until I write this!

New Microsoft Keyboard
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC Keyboard designed specifically for Windows. Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works. In addition to the keys found on the standard Keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:
1) GPF Key -- This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF Key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
2) $$ Key -- When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
3) ZD Key -- This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
4) MS Key -- This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
5) FUD Key -- Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory.
6) Chicago Key -- Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.
7) IBM Key -- Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).
8) MSN Key -- With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 98!
9) RW95 Key -- Stands for Re-install Windows 98. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win 98 users, why not make it easier?
10) FDISK Key -- Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.