Animals Collection 8

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. She asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" He replied "Sure!" Out of the blue, she blurts out, "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!"

There is an OLD story about the data center of the future. This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog. The man's job is to feed the dog. The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. "Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature i shall personally do to you" "In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too," said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well," said the centipede. "So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach. "Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. She won the lottery! She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, "What should I name my house?" And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house "Butt" Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog "Crack". One day about a month later she woke up and couldn't find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn't find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, "Police please help me I've looked all over my Butt but I can't find my Crack!"

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo." The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!" Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday. Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution: If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." "That'll work?" asked the woman. "Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner. So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder. The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!"

A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?" The second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to it's head, he sits down, and the bartender says, "I don't mind the long face, but don't u go and try to start anything!"