Barroom Jokes Collection 1

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds." As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license." So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season." "Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I switched cocks." "What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Do You Serve Lawyers? A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," said the bartender. "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Tom and Clark were standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break and Clark said, "Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?" "Get outta here," said Clark. "No I'm serious, watch me." Clark hopped off the building and sure enough, he was taken in by the draft at the third floor window. He took the elevator back to the top and Tom and a security guard that arrived were standing there, Tom in awe. "I can't believe it." Said Tom. "I know you should try it Tom." So Tom hopped off and plunged into the ground. "Superman you're an asshole when you're drunk." said the security guard.

A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off... The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the barteneder finnaly went over to the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen." The man replied by saying I dont think so. I can get any lady that I want. The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldnt get the woman to even talk to him. The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her. The bartender accepted. The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door. The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "damn that sucks but what happened?" Tthe man replied with "I dont know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows."

The Mini-Noggin' One day a tired salseman goes into a bar and orders a beer. While he's enjoying his drink, he notices a nittle old man with a peg-leg and a Noggin the size of a baseball. Curious, he ask the man, "How in the world did your noggin get to me so DAMN Tiny?" The old man replies "I used to be a sailor, but one day, i was out sailing when my shipwrecked on a remote island. I lived there for about three years. One day a beuatiful mermaid came up on shore. she gave me three wishes. For the first wish, I asked her to be back in civilization, for the second i wished for 25 million dollars. For the third wish i told her that i wanted to have sex with a mermaid. She told me 'sorry, but mermaid dont have the right equipment to have sex. So i said "how about a little head then?"