Black Jokes Collection 1

If the statement is true add the points in parenthesis to your score. Scoring is given at the bottom of the test. 1. You've ever used an album cover or old envelope for a dustpan. (5 points) 2. You've ever put foil on your TV antennas to get better reception. (8 points) 3. You've ever had to use pliers to turn your TV on. (7points) 4. You had to come in the house when the street lights came on. (6 points) 5. You had a candy lady in your neighborhood. (5 + 5 extra points if your house was the candy lady) 6. If you can count more than five police cars in your neighborhood on a daily basis. (3 points) 7. If you ever had to pick your own switch or belt. (3 points for each) 8. If you've ever been beaten with an extension cord. (15 points) 9. If you have ever had to walk to or home from school. (2 points) 10. If you've ever passed someone a note asking "Do you like me?" or "Can I have a chance?" check _yes, _no or _maybe. (7 points) 11. If you have ever used dish washing liquid for bubble bath. (9points) 12. If you have ever mixed up some Kool-Aid and the found that you didn't have any sugar. (4 points & add 4 if you put the pitcher in the refrigerator until you got some sugar) 13. If you have ever played any of the following games. (2 points each): (hide and go seek, freeze tag, captain or momma may I?, or red light..yellow light..green light 123!) 14. If your neighborhood had an ice cream man. (2 points + 2 if he rang a bell + 5 if he played R&B) 15. If you remember any of the following candies. (1 point each): cherry clans, lemon heads, Alexander the grape, ring pops, Chico sticks, baked beans, candy cigarettes, powder packs with the white dip stick, big league chew, "Wine" Candy (jolly ranchers), jaw breakers, and candy necklaces. 16. If you refer to Now and Laters candies as "Nighladers". (6 points) 17. If you've ever ran from the police on foot. (5 points + 5 if you got away) 18. If you remember underoos or the Wonder Woman bra and panty set. (6 points + 4 if you owned some) 19. If you've ever had reusable grease in a container on your stove. (5 points) 20. The batteries in your remote control are held in by a piece of tape. (5 points) 21. If you've ever used any of the following for drinking glasses. (3 points each): jelly jars, mayonnaise jars, mason jars, or peanut butter jars. 22. You've ever covered your furniture in plastic. (2 points) 23. The heels of your feet have ever looked like you had been kicking flour. (1point) 24. If you have ever worn any of the following fragrances. (1 point each): Brute, Hai Karate, Jean Nate, Old Spice, Chloe, English Leather, Stetson, Charlie, or Faberge'. 25. You've ever used Tussy. (9 points) 26. You've never been to the dentist. (10 points + 10 if you've never been to the doctor.) 27. You've ever wore clothes with the tag still on them. (4 points) 28. If you're acquainted with someone with a name as follows. (3 points): Kay-Kay, Lee-Lee, Ree-Ree, Ray-Ray, etc. 29. You have ever paged yourself for any reason. (3 points) 30. You've ever worn house shoes outside of the house. (2 points) 31. You add "ED" or "T" to the end of words already in the past tense (for example, Tooked, Light-Skinneded, kilt, ruint, etc). (3 points) 32. You pronounce words like this (1 point for each example you can think of skrimps or strimps, skreet, axe (ask), member (remember), frigerator, etc. 33. You use nem' to describe a certain group of people (for example Craig and nem' or momma and nem'). (6 points) 34. You've ever had a crack across your windshield and never bothered to get it fixed. (3 points) 35. You've ever driven on a donut more than 2 weeks after your flat. (4 points) 36. You've ever asked a perfect stranger to take a picture with you and told your friends it was someone you dated. (3 points) 37. Your child drops his/her pacifier and you sanitize it by sucking it. (7 points) 38. If you've ever ran a race barefoot in the middle of the street at approximately 11 at night. (10 points) 39. You've ever left a social gathering with a plate. (1 point) 40. You leave a restaurant with silverware, sugar, and/or jelly. (8 points) 41. You think "red" is a flavor of Kool-Aid. (4 points) 42. You can't hold a glass because of the length of your nails. (3 points) 43. The gold teeth in your mouth spell words. (8 points) 44. You don't have your own place but your child has a leather coat and a pair of Jordan's. (5 points) 45. If you've ever had to get to the driver's side of the car through the passenger side door. (8 points) 46. You have ever slept in a chair to avoid messing up your hair. (7 points) 47. You constantly hit *69 and ask, "Did you just call here?" (10 points) 48. You won't answer the phone if you don't recognize the number on the caller id box. (7 points) 49. You know a child who can't speak, but can do the "bank-head bounce." (15 points) 50. You think Tupac is still alive. (20 points) Scoring 0 - 30 - You have enjoyed a nice sheltered life in the suburbs. 31 - 60 - Hood movies have given you a little exposure. 61 - 100 - You may have visited the hood a few times or on weekends. 101 - 130 - You probably spent a few years in the hood, and moved to the suburbs. 131 - 160 - You're the genuine article. You are no stranger to hood life. 161 - 200 - You are definitely, without a doubt an expert on life in the hood. 201+ - Congratulations! You are Ghetto Fabulous!

A black guy knew he had it made when the old brass bottle he found in the back yard turned out to have a genie in it. Any three wishes he had would be granted, the genie informed him. "I wanna be rich," said the black man. The back yard filled up with chests of gold coins and jewels in the blink of an eye. "I'm no fool," said the black man. "I wanna be white." And there he stood, white, blonde-haired and blue-eyed. "Thirdly, I never want to work another day in my life." And he was black again.

An old Souther planter goes into the hospital and is informed by the doctor that his condition is pretty serious. In fact, he's going to require a heart transplant. "Well, doctor," drawls the planter, "you'd best get on with it. But whatever you do, just don't give me the heart of a black man." When he comes out of the anaesthetic, the doctor is leaning over his bedside anxiously. "Cal," he says, "I got to use a black man's heart." Cal pales. "But the good news is: your dick is three inches longer.

The black dude walked into the house to see his wife dancing seductively in front of him. "Hey babe," he said. "Where'd you get that grass skirt?" "That aint no grass skirt," she replied. "I had my hair straightened."

A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..." Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill an lands at his feet! "Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos. "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message... As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'

A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty.The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner: "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No, Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans." Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!" "On no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make mistakes."

It is hard being black. It is hard being black. We get the bad end of the deal with every sport. Hockey your slappin a black puck around. Pool you have a white ball trying to knock you in a hole. The only thing we have is bowling, where you have a black ball trying to knock down a bunch of rednecks.

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life. The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies. He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened. The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes. The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black? The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.

A 5 year old black boy walks up to a 5 year old white boy and says, "My daddy's got a car. When he honks the horn it goes 'honkey honkey'". Little white boy says, "shit, my daddys got a chain saw when he starts it up it goes 'run nigga nigga run'".

Q: What happens when you stick you hand in a jar of jellybeans? A: The black ones steal your watch. Q: How do you start a black parade? A: Roll a 40 down the street. Q: Why do blacks burry their dead upside down? A: Use em as bike racks. Q: How did they improve the transportation in harlem? A: Move the trees closer together. Q: What did the black girl say while having sex? A: Dad get off me your crushing my ciggs. Q: Why are black people like jelly beans? A: No one likes the black ones. Q: What do you call a school bus full of black people? A: A rotten banana Q: What was the only thing missing from the million man march? A. An auctionner Q: How long does it take a black lady to shit? A: 9 months. Q: What do you call 100 black guys baried from the neck down? A: Afroturf. Q: Why are blacks afried of lawnmovers? A: Beacuse it gose run nigger nigger run. Q: What do you call a barn full of blacks? A: Antique farm equipment. Q: What do u call a black priest? A: Holy shit Q: What does the BFI on the dumpsters stand for? A: Black Family Inside Q: Have you ever seen a black person on the jetsons? A: NO. Looks like a good future doesn't it? Q: What do you call a black person in a three piece suit? A: Will the defendent please rise. Q: What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your tv starts to float? A: You turn on the lights and shoot the black people. Q: What do you call 20,000 black people at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start. Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead black person in the road? A: There's skid marks in front of the skunk. Q: Why are black people so good at Basketball? A: Cause all you have to do is RUN ... SHOOT ... and STEAL Q: What do you do if you see a black man flopping around on the ground? A: Stop laughing and reload Q: What Do You call Mike Tyson if he has no arms or legs? A: Nigger, Nigger, Nigger!!!! Q: What do you call a group of blacks in the ocean? A: An oil spill Q: What do you call a pool full of black kids? A: Cocoa puffs Q: What do you call a 80 year old black guy? A: Antique farm equipment. Q: Why do police dogs lick their balls? A: To get the taste of negro out of thier mouths