Celebrities Collection 4

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked. "I'll leave that up to you." God replied. "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven." "Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," replied God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed. "How's everything going?" He asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water????" "Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" -Dave Barry According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -Jay Leno I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it. -Bill Cosby We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Jay Leno When the sun comes up, I have morals again. -Elayne Boosler There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -Jerry Seinfield If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. -Lewis Grizzard The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -Jeff Foxworthy See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -Robin Williams

ON COURAGE "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind." -Cindy Crawford ON POVERTY "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." -Beverly Johnson ON FATE "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that." -Christie Brinkley ON ARRIVING "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take." -Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island' ON PRIORITIES "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." -Kim Alexis ON INNER STRENGTH "I love the confidence that makeup gives me." -Tyra Banks ON TRAVEL "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care." -Tyra Banks ON BREAKTHROUGHS "Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling." -Gabrielle Reece ON HEREDITY "My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'" -Beverly Johnson ON THE BASICS "It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout." -Cheryl Tiegs ON PARADOX "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone." -Tatjana Patitz ON TRAGEDY "The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles, but I had on thick tights underneath." -Naomi Campbell ON INSTINCT "If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers." -Carol Alt ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS "I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them." -Cindy Crawford ON ECONOMICS "I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day." -Linda Evangelista ON THOUGHT "When I model I pretty much go blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work." -Paulina Porizkova ON DEPRIVATION "If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time." -Linda Evangelista ON MOTIVATION "It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would." -Kate Moss ON VERSATILITY "I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak." -Linda Evangelista