Chinese Collection 1

That's not right... Sum Ting Wong Are you harboring a fugitive?... Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me ASAP... Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man... Dum Gai Small Horse... Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here... Wai So Dim? I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone... No Pah King Our meeting is scheduled for next week... Wai Yu Kum Nao? Staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.' To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.' And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.' He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.' So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?' The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.' Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.' The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.' The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells... 'SUPPLIES!!'

Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). This was nominated "best email of 1997". The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review... Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service" RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?" G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay. An San tos?" G: "What?" RS:"San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes 'means." RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G: "You're welcome"

A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing through the native quarter, and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching. As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the door greeting his congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said, "You a Jew?" "Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite. "Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."

1. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. 2. Gun wounds again? 3. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. 4. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. 5. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? 6. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants. 7. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? 8. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! 9. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken. 10.Beat him out of recognizable shape! 11. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! 12. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. 13. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease. There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse. Some months later I saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front. She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant. "I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway." Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, "This is a cheap dish--but good."

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."