Clean Jokes Collection 2

You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook...how do you get out? Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...Your Out!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

An alien came to earth, step down from his space ship and said: "I come in peace". Then he gets out his gun and start shooting at everyone. One of the guys who is running away shouts to his friend: " I thought he said he comes in peace!". The alien says: "You miss-understood me, peace is the name of my space ship"

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits--yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

All the red Indians in the Reserve were starving.They ask the Witch Doctor to perform a Rain Dance,to see what the future held.The Witch Doctor dances about, mumbling and looking at the heavens above. Suddenly he gives out a scream, and falls to the ground.What did you see, asked the Chief? I had a vision, a hazy vision replied the Witch Doctor. Over many hills i saw a huge Bacon Tree, big enough to feed the whole tribe. What good is that says the Chief, if we leave the Reservation the Soldiers will follow and punish us.If we go at night, they will not know until it is too late replied the Witch Doctor. OK agrees the Chief and that night they sneaked out of camp. They walked over hill upon hill, food and water were gone, and many died on this Venture. Finally the Chief has had enough. How far is this Bacon Tree he asks. Just over one more hill is the reply. At last they climb the last hill, and start going down the other side. Suddenly there is the sound of the bugle charge, and Cavalry swoop down killing most. As the Chief lies dying, he crawls over to the dying Witch Doctor and gasps "What happened to your Bacon Tree" to which the Witch Doctor replies, "I was wrong" it was a HAM BUSH.

There was once a little boy who got very good grades, straight A's on every subject on every report card. His name was Billy. His father was very proud of him, and decided to give him one thing every year, whatever he wanted. The little boy, for one odd reason or another, chose a pink golf ball, each and every year. So finally, when the boy was sixteen, the dad got fed up with it and bought him a car. The son was fine with this, and took it on a joyride down to his favorite restaurant. He didn't want to drivethrough and he couldn't find a parking spot, but finally he found a spot on the other side of the street. He walked across happily, and halfway across, was hit by a truck. On his deathbed, the wounds were fatal, he was asked by his father: "What did you do with the pink golf balls?" The son replied: "Well I ---" With that he died. The moral is that you should look both ways before crossing the street.

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates INTO Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan whothrew them INTO the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul INTO the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side INTO a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering...why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them INTO the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Ah, those...," Satan said with a groan. "They're all FROM Pennsylvania &Maryland. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning." "But, madam!", replied the bellman. "Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager." "Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"