Dirty Jokes Collection 42

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the assembly line for the automobile-changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. there's too much front end protrusion 2. it chatters at high speeds 3. the rear end wobbles too much, and 4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust." "Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to My Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

A NEW HOPE

'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.' 'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!' 'Look at the size of that thing!' 'Sorry about the mess...' 'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.' 'Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?' 'You've got something jammed in here real good.' 'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.' 'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?' 'Get in there, you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!' 'She's fast enough for you, old man.'

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?' 'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.' 'Hurry up, golden-rod..' 'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.' 'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.' 'Possible, he came through the south entrance.' 'But now we must eat, Come...good food, come...' 'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?' 'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.' 'Control, control, you must learn control!'

RETURN OF THE JEDI

'There is good in him, I've felt it.' 'Hey Luke, thanks for coming after me, now I owe you one.' 'You're a jittery little thing aren't you?' 'In time you will call me master.' 'A little higher, just a little higher.' 'I never knew I had it in me.' 'Grab it, almost..you almost got it. Gently now, alright, easy, easy...' 'Hey, point that thing someplace else!' 'What could possibly have come over Master Luke?' 'Back door, huh? Good idea!'

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!?" What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW