Dirty Jokes Collection 44

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in thegarden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now." The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt. "Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size." The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"

And God created woman. She had two arms, two legs and three breasts. And it was good. And God asked woman what she would like changed about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good. She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob... And God created man.

Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999: Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found Only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat," The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"

Heaven or Hell? This woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line, she hears this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs her somewhat, so she tracks down St. Peter to find out what is going on. "Oh, that," he says, "that's just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes in her back to attach her wings." The woman is still a bit upset by this and is pondering her position when the screaming starts again. This time it is louder and more blood curdling than before. She calls St. Peter over again to find out what is happening to the woman now. "Oh, that," he says, "they're just drilling holes in her head to attach the halo." The woman decides that she wants out and tells St. Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell. "Are you sure you want to go there?" he says. "It's a terrible place, you'll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse!" "That's okay" says the woman, "I already have the holes for that!"