Female Bashing Collection 1

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A; None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men? A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. Q: How do you fix a women's watch? A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven. Q: Why do men pass more gas than women do? A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first? A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in. Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A: A women who won't do what she's told. Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells? A: Pregnant. Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? A: Divorced.

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"

There was this man and when ever he got his pay check his wife would go and spend it. So one day he went to the tattoo parlor and asked to have a 100 dollar bill tattooed on his penis. So he went home and when his wife walked in the door he pulled down his pants and said," I want to see you blow this money"!

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the only survivor? If there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?" God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman,' Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you", replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies. "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"