Funny Lists Collection 12

Here's a Minnesota Guide to Computer Lingo LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter LOG OFF: don't add no more vood MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove MEGAHERTZ: vhen da big log drops on your barefoot in da morning FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from pilingk too much vood RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork HARD DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season ENTER: come on in WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets below zero SCREEN: vhat you gotta fix on da windows during black fly season CHIP: vhat ya munch during Vikings games MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bag vhen da chips are gone MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix's wife LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to hang da keys so da Misses can find em SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya? MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof PORT: vhere da commercial fishin guys tie up dere boats DOCKING STATION: da same as PORT RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on da new deer rifle vhen da wife asks about it

Ellen Degeneres virus.....Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC Monica Lewinsky virus.....Sucks all the memory out of your computer Titanic virus.....Makes your whole computer go down Disney virus.....Everything in the computer goes Goofy Mike Tyson virus.....Quits after one byte Lorena Bobbit virus.....Turns your hard disk into a 3.5-inch floppy Tim Allen virus.....Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive Woody Allen virus.....Bypasses the motherboard and turns on daughter card Saddam Hussein virus.....Won't let you into any of your programs Tonya Harding virus.....Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons Joey Buttafuoco virus.....Only attacks minor files X-files virus.....All your Icons start shape-shifting Ronald Reagan virus.....Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus.....Deletes your old files

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3 or higher." You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. You laugh at people with 28,800 modems. You start using smiley's in your snail mail. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are: GPF key - This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault. $$ key - When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention. ZD key - This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited. MS key - This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window. FUD key - Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory. Chicago key - Generates do nothing loops for months at a time. IBM key - Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape). MSN key - With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95! RW95 key - Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier? FDISK key - Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive. Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot. If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data. Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.