Funny Lists Collection 22

Signs You've Been Waiting in Line Too Long for "Star Wars" Tickets That chick dressed as Princess Leia in front of you now qualifies as your "longest relationship with a woman." Can't resist to urge to "unsheathe your lightsaber," if you know what I mean. Bossman Vader told you to take your Jedi powers to the planet of unemployment. We're bombing who? What the hell is a Kosovo? A fellow fan compliments you on your Chewbacca costume, but you aren't wearing one. When a reporter asks you why you're obsessing about a movie when there's a war in Europe, you express full confidence in President Reagan's ability to handle the to situation. Your Boba Fett lunchbox is worth $.45 more than it was when you got to the theater. The guy next to you is in line for "Episode II." Obi-Wan's ghost shows up to spritz you with Lysol. The dude in the Wookie suit is starting to look pretty good to you. Even your most loyal supporters are starting to question your order to "Just keep bombing Serbia until I get back."

12. "Hey, Beautiful. What's a nice girl like you doing waiting in line without bathing for 10 days?" 11. "Your place or my Mom's?" 10 "I... uh... ummm... I... uh... (slaps own forehead) Stupid! STOO-pid!" 9. "You're even prettier than my fantasy girlfriend." 8. "I may look like an Ewok, but I'm all Wookie where it counts, baby." 7. "Date, or date not -- there is no 'let's just friends be'." 6. "If you only knew the power of the Dork Side." 5. "How's about a long time of Joe, in a bedroom not far away?" 4. "Nice buns, Princess! On your head, that is." 3. "Honey, you've been looking for love in Alderaan places!" 2. "If I said you had a mint first-edition, still-in-box action figure, would you hold it against me?" 1. "I'm gonna be an evil warlord when I grow up. Want a Milk Dud?"

The Top 14 Things Bill Clinton Would Say if He Were in "Star Wars" 14. "Well, it depends on your definition of 'father', Luke." 13. "Who knew the Jedi Mind Trick could work on 250 million people all at once?" 12. "I *absolutely* support the use of droids in the military... Okay, now I don't." 11. "Oh-h-h, you're looking for a little *WOOKIE*... Well, that's different." 10. "Luke, I am your father. Obi-Wan, I'm your father, too. And that Queen chick? I'm her daddy for sure. And Leia's. And Lando's, Boba Fett's, Jabba the Hutt's, Chewie's..." 9. "Wretched hive of scum and villainy? Woo-hoo, count me in!" 8. "I think the American people would like a little more bass in my theme music." 7. "Dispose of that troublesome young Jedi, Vince Skyfoster -- and make it look like a suicide." 6. "I did not have sexual relations with that wookie, Ms. Chewinsky." 5. "It's a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away -- and I'm still a lyin' weasel." 4. "Cholesterol does not concern me, Admiral. I want that Big Mac -- not excuses." 3. "Sorry about that lightsaber, Sugar. Just consider it laser dental work." 2. "These are not the droids you're looking for, Ma'am. Say, it's getting hot in here -- you might want to take off your top." 1. "She's my sister?!? Well, back on my home planet of Arkansas, that ain't an obstacle!"

The Top 14 Signs You're Not Watching the Real "Phantom Menace" 14. As if the girl-girl porno action weren't tacky enough, you can actually see the strings holding up the planets. 13. Somehow, R2-D2 manages to give Darth Maul the finger. 12. Right when Obi-Wan is about to whip out his "lightsaber," the screen goes blank and you have to put in another 50 cents. 11. Queen Amidala looks suspiciously like one of the Olsen twins. 10. As Leia Orgasma takes off her clothes, you realize you've stumbled into "The Phantom Moan-fest." 9. The "lightsaber duel" consists of nothing but two guys with Nerf baseball bats making lightsaber noises with their mouths. 8. None of the previews mentioned the evil Darth Diggler or queen Ches-Ti Ho. 7. The scene of the young Anakin Skywalker straddling his Pod Racer -- arms outstretched -- shouting, "I'm Lord of the Universe!" is just a tad derivative. 6. "Help me, Monica... You're my only hope!" 5. Leslie Neilsen as "Dark Mall"?! I don't friggin' think so! 4. Yoda looks awfully pale, and he keeps saying "Taco Bell, yo quiero." 3. "Starring Jerry Mathers as The Menace," just doesn't sound right. 2. Anakin Skywalker is played by a small black child whose only line is "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" 1. You're having trouble reading the subtitled translations for Obi "Juan" Kenobi.

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe. LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man. LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls. LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you? LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination. LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three) LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker." LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month. LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.