Funny Lists Collection 27

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels. The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag. You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet. You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant. You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning. You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night ....and there aren't any. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it. You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed. Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. You wake up and your braces are stuck together. You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband. Your income tax refund check bounces. You put both contact lenses in the same eye. You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any. You need one bathroom scale for each foot. You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch. The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it. Nothing you own is actually paid for. You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse. You receive a 150-page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company. Airline food starts to taste good. Your mother approves of the person you are dating. Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies. You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD. You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box. You take longer to get over sex than you did to have it. Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer. Everyone loves your driver's license picture. You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours. Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents. Your aunt Maddie, who has two poodles and a chihuahua, tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate...and you live in Arizona. The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker. You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodyear Blimp is gaining on you. The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money. People think you are 40...and you really are. You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed. Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." And you remember that you were home by yourself. Everyone is laughing but you.

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters: Dormitory .................................. Dirty Room Evangelist................................. Evil's Agent Desperation.............................. A Rope Ends It The Morse Code..................... Here Come Dots Slot Machines......................... Cash Lost in 'em Animosity................................ Is No Amity Mother-in-law..........................Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms........................ Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness......................... Genuine Class Semolina................................... Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries......... Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point...................... I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes.................... That Queer Shake Eleven plus two..................... Twelve plus one Contradiction......................... Accord not in it PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA......................... TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' --Larry Miller

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." --Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'" --Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." --Jack Mayberry

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --Rita Rudner

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." --Jay Leno

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'" --Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner." --????