Funny Lists Collection 33

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. Do I look like a fucking people person? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. If I throw a stick, will you leave? And just how may I fuck you over today? And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you! Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? You look like shit. Is that the style now? Earth is full. Go home. I thought I wanted a career, turns out all I wanted was paychecks. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands. 2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her. 3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."] 4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear. 5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want? 6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. 7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. 8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night? 9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. 10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream. 11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover." 12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck? 13. Can I flirt with you? 14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns. 15. [Look at his/her shirt label.] When they say, "What are you doing?": Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size. 16. All those curves, and me with no brakes. 17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? 19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine. 20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken? 21. Is it hot in here or is it just you? 22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!] 23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. 24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? 25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? 27. So... How am I doin'? 28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes? 29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg. 30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it? 31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours? 32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away. 33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair? 34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it. 35. [Regard their outfit] Gee, that's becoming on you, if you wore me, I'd be coming on you too.

Men are like... ....Placemats They only show up when there's food on the table. .....Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion. ....Bike Helmets Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly ...Parking spots The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. ...Copiers You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. .....Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not all that bright. .....Bank accounts Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest ....high heels They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. .....Curling Irons They are always hot, and they are always in your hair. ....Mini skirts If you are not careful they'll creep up your legs. ...Bananas They older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long. Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips. Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like.....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot and in your hair. Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you. Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up on you. Men are like.....Noodles. They're always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough. Men are like.....Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom. Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap and they prove to be unreliable. Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.