Funny Lists Collection 39

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago. 2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York. 3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey. 4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston. 5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles. 6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. 7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy. 8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle. 9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas. 10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia. 11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.

You're stuck between the Baby Boomers and Generations X'ers if: 1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in the back pocket was cool. 2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up. 3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song (Just eat it, eat it, don't make me repeat it...) 4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!" 5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar. 6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV. 7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid. 8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying. 9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny. 10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan. 11 You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you. 12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: When I was younger...When I was your age...You know,back when... 13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language (Conjunction junction, what's your function....). 14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video. 15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during either "Crazy for You" or "Leather and Lace". 16. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made our old Big Wheel quite obsolete. 17. The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter. 18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON. 19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat, Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs. 20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something which can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting." 21. You've shopped at a Benetton.

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. My tire was thumping.... I thought it was flat.... when I looked at the tire.... I noticed your cat... Sorry You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it .... She moved in with me Your computer is dead... it was once so alive.... Do you regret installing Win 95? You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.