Funny Lists Collection 9

NEW Different color from previous design ALL NEW Parts not interchangeable with previous design EXCLUSIVE Imported product UNMATCHED Almost as good as the competition DESIGNED SIMPLICITY Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone FOOLPROOF OPERATION No provision for adjustments ADVANCED DESIGN The advertising agency doesn't understand it IT'S HERE AT LAST! Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming FIELD-TESTED Manufacturer lacks test equipment HIGH ACCURACY Unit on which all parts fit DIRECT SALES ONLY Factory had big argument with distributor YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT We finally got one that works REVOLUTIONARY It's different from our competitors BREAKTHROUGH We finally figured out a way to sell it FUTURISTIC No other reason why it looks the way it does DISTINCTIVE A different shape and color than the others MAINTENANCE-FREE Impossible to fix RE-DESIGNED Previous faults corrected, we hope... HAND-CRAFTED Assembly machines operated without gloves PERFORMANCE PROVEN Will operate through the warranty period MEETS ALL STANDARDS Ours, not yours ALL SOLID-STATE Heavy as Hell! BROADCAST QUALITY Gives a picture and produces noise HIGH RELIABILITY We made it work long enough to ship it SMPTE BUS COMPATIBLE When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound NEW GENERATION Old design failed, maybe this one will work MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS We got a good deal at a government auction CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY You can return it from most airports UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES We finally got it to fit together SATISFACTION GUARANTEED Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED Does things we can't explain AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY One of our techs was laid off by Boeing

How Does a (______) Chicken Cross the Road? NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed. Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken. Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road. OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message. Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ... C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways. C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side. VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken) Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side. Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets) Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running. Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken. Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket ! Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked. Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course. Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do! Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead. 2. You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz. 3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house only computers with laser printers. 4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card. 5. You disdain people who use low Baud rates. 6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head. 7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it. 8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it. 9. You know bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number. 10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions. 11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :) next to your signature. 12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :). 13. You back up your data every day. 14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a wrist-rest for her mouse. 15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid. 16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels. 17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind. 18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand drawn pie charts. 19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names. 20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon. 21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling. 22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five and a quarter and three and a half inch sizes. 23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow. 24. You own a set of itty bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are. 25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse induced index finger strain with a nine year old. 26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up. 27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires. 28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal. 29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better the track ball or the track *pad*. 30. You understand all the above jokes. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop. 31. You email these jokes to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face to face.