Golf Jokes Vol 2

An elderly golfer was walking down the fairway on the fifth hole when he heard a faint, high-pitched voice calling out from the edge of a water hazard. He walked over to the pond, looked down into the reeds, and saw a small green frog staring directly up at him. To his absolute astonishment, the frog spoke in clear English: 'Ribbit! Listen to me, sir! If you kiss me, I will instantly transform into a stunningly beautiful woman. I will come home with you, cook you gourmet meals every night, clean your house, and treat you like a king for the rest of your life!' The old golfer paused, thought about it for a moment, leaned down, picked up the frog, and gently slipped it into his front shirt pocket. The frog poked its head out of the pocket in complete confusion and shouted, 'Hey! Did you not hear what I just said? I told you that if you kiss me, I will turn into a gorgeous woman who will pamper you and love you forever!' The old man stroked his chin, smiled softly, and replied, 'Look, at my age, to be honest with you, I would much rather have a talking frog than a wife.'

A local newspaper reporter was assigned to cover a story about a couple celebrating their golden 50th wedding anniversary at the municipal golf club. What made the story even more incredible was that the husband and wife had played a full eighteen holes of golf together every single weekend for fifty straight years without missing a single match. The reporter sat down with the husband at the clubhouse bar and asked, 'This is truly remarkable! What is the secret to maintaining such a peaceful, joyful relationship while playing a game as frustrating as golf every week for five decades?' The old man took a slow sip of his iced tea and smiled warmly. 'Well, son, it all comes down to mutual respect and clear boundaries. Early in our marriage, we established a system that eliminated all arguments on the course.' 'What kind of system?' the reporter asked, scribbling notes on his pad. 'It's simple,' the old man explained. 'My wife handles all the putts under ten feet, and I handle all the putts over ten feet. She takes care of driving off the tee on the odd-numbered holes, and I drive off the tee on the even-numbered holes.' 'That sounds very equitable,' replied the reporter. 'And what about big strategic decisions, like whether to play through or drop a ball?' 'Oh, we divide those responsibilities too,' the man said smoothly. 'My wife makes all the minor decisions, like where we live, how we raise our kids, and how we spend our savings. And I make all the major decisions, like whether we should use a five-iron or a six-iron to clear the water hazard on the ninth hole.'

A golf club pro was standing in the pro shop when a man walked in leading a full-grown, 400-pound gorilla on a heavy leash. The pro jumped back in terror, but the man held up his hand to calm him down. 'Don't worry,' the man said. 'This is Barnaby. He is completely domesticated, gentle as a lamb, and he happens to be the most extraordinary golfer you will ever see. I want to demonstrate his skills so you will let us play a round today.' Skeptical but curious, the golf pro walked out to the driving range with the owner and the gorilla. The owner pulled a driver out of a custom bag, handed it to Barnaby, and teed up a fresh golf ball. Barnaby took the club, adjusted his posture with perfect alignment, brought the driver back in a smooth, flawless swing, and struck the ball with tremendous force. The ball exploded off the clubface, traveling perfectly straight over 450 yards down the exact center of the range, landing right next to the far boundary fence. The golf pro's mouth dropped open in complete shock. 'That is the most incredible tee shot I have ever witnessed in my thirty years in this business! His form is divine! Can he putt?' The owner shook his head, sighed heavily, and said, 'That's the main problem. He hits putts exactly like he hits drives—450 yards straight down the fairway.'

Two golfers were playing a tough round on a remote course cut deep into the dense pine forests of the Pacific Northwest. On the seventh hole, one of the players hit a severe slice that sent his ball deep into the dark woods off the fairway. Refusing to take a penalty drop, the golfer took his eight-iron and trudged into the thick trees to search for his ball. His partner stayed behind on the fairway to keep watch. After five minutes of searching through the heavy brush, the golfer located his ball resting on a bed of pine needles right behind a massive boulder. But as he prepared to take his stance, he heard a deep, guttural growl. He turned his head slowly and found himself face-to-face with an enormous 800-pound grizzly bear standing just ten feet away, staring at him hungrily. Terrified, the golfer backed up slowly, raised his eight-iron above his head like a club, and sprinted back out to the safety of the fairway, gasping for air. His partner looked at him in shock and shouted, 'What on earth happened in there? You look like you've seen a ghost!' 'There's a massive grizzly bear sitting right next to my ball!' the golfer panted, clutching his chest. His partner thought about it for a moment, looked at his scorecard, and asked, 'Well... did you get a good lie?'