Hunting Collection 1

Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences. The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on a scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months. The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year. The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience. He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position." "Yeah? what happened next?" asks his friend. "I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles." One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?" He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain . . ."

I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the eighties. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair... I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?" He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck." I said, "What do you hunt?" He said, "Somethin'to fuck."

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!" The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind." Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded. The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground. Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?" Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year."

1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings. 2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed. 2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup. 3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods. 3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun. 3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight. 4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent. 4:30 AM: Head for the woods. 6:05 AM: See eight deer. 6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger. 6:07 AM: CLICK. 6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill. 8:00 AM: Head back to camp. 9:00 AM: Still looking for camp. 10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is. NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries. 2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back. 2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach. 2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries. 2:45 PM: Rescued. 2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead. 3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp. 3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer. 4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets. 4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again. 5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you. 6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing. 6:01 PM: Load gun. 6:02 PM: Fire gun. 6:03 PM: One dead pickup. 6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer. 6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners. 6:07 PM: Fall into fire. 6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire. 6:15 PM: Take pickup, leave hunting partners and deer in camp. 6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block. 6:26 PM: Start walking. 6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud. 6:35 PM: Meet bear. 6:36 PM: Take aim. 6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud. 6:38 PM: Mess pants. 6:39 PM: Climb tree. 11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree. Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker. Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.