Microsoft Jokes 5
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Microsoft Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming; the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
Quake III for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And a Pokemon game for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To: [email protected]
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way.
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive
Because Christmas now requires at least Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through!"
"It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist.
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package is a picture of Santa himself."
"Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter.
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
There on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
"Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"
The Top 11 Differences in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then
11 Chastity belts require a password rather than a key.
10 Last year's pitchfork not compatible with this year's hay.
9 Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing
his intention to "wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta."
8 The "Good Plague" hoax.
7 Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, and require a boot to the rear to start again.
6 The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be 3 times larger than it should be and never completely kill anyone.
5 Forget about William Tell; William Gates shoots Apple off the head of Steve Jobs.
4 Use of a large, clumsy broadsword instead of yet-to-be-invented scissors helps explain Lord Bill's haircut.
3 Archbishop of Canterbury gets hit in the face with a pie.
2 Stained Glass Windows MCCCXXXXV actually not released until Spring of MCCCXXXXVI.
Number 1 Difference in the Middle Ages if Microsoft had existed then...
1 The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, like stonemasonry and weaving.
The Top 14 Things on Bill Gates's To-Do List
14. Change menacing cackle to more of a charming titter.
13. Divest all holdings in Atlantic City, especially Boardwalk and Park Place.
12. Stop payment on Satan's check.
11. Search JobOptions.com: Field = "Technology" Salary > $25 Billion
10. Immediately cancel that "$5000 or a free trip to Disneyworld" offer.
9. Put somebody else in charge temporarily; take the winter off and find Rosebud.
8. Push own "Start" button. At prompt, choose "Shut Down" and then "Re-start Ego."
7. Create new corporate division in charge of sending flowers and candy to Sandy O'Connor.
6. Have Steve Jobs leave bag of flaming dog excrement on Janet Reno's doorstep.
5. Send message to mother ship: "My job here is done."
4. Dedicate my life to finding the *real* monopolists.
3. Hack into Justice Dept. web site, draw moustache on picture of Janet... um, draw *bigger* moustache on picture of Janet Reno.
2. See how quickly the government can prepare for the "11/9/99 Bug."
And Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing on Bill Gates's To-Do List...
1. Halt global economy by taking all my money and going home.