Medical Jokes Collection 1

Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same. Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need. Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away! Q. What are pre-existing conditions? A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it. Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions? A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye. Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do? A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries. Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling? A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus. Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick? A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick. Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it. Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs? A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses. Q. Will health care be any different in the next century? A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies. "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command. "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?" After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating. "Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die" "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed." On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?" The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."