Medical Jokes Collection 4

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes" 2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide" 3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown" 4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?" 5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!" 6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest" 7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em" 8. The mailman because he always delivers his package. 9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down. 10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?" The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here." The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?" The second responds, "God told me I was." At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different. A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!" "That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?" "I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!" "One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously. "Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist." "A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?" "Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

A distraught man goes to see a psychologist. How may I help you? the doctor asks. Doc, every night, I have the same dream. Im lying in bed and a dozen women walkin and try to rip my clothes off and have wild sex with me. And then what do you do? the shrink asks. I push them away, the man says. Then what do you want me to do? the shrink asks. Break my arms!

A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was and she explained. The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow. The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.

A man goes to his physician to pick up his sick wife's results. The nurse on reception asks him the family name to which he replies 'Smith'. 'Mr Smith, we have so many of them that we can't find them. We've narrowed them down to two. Either she came in for an AIDS test or an ALZHEIMERS' test.' 'What shall I do?' exclaimed the concerned husband. 'Well I suggest you take your wife into town and leave her there. If she finds her own way home DON'T fuck her.'