Medical Jokes Collection 7

A lady was having a hard time getting a date. After months of trying everything she could think of, she went to the doctors to see if there was anything she could do to improve her love life. The receptionist explained that her usual doctor was on vacation, and she was going to be seen by Dr. Chang. She waited in the exam room for a while and finally Dr. Chang entered. After explaining her issues Dr. Chang said "Ok, now you take off your croves." The lady thought this was odd, but took off her clothes and stood in front of the doctor. "Now, you get on your hands and knees and crawl to other side of room." he instructed. The lady, still thinking it odd, was desperate so she did as instructed. "Now crawl back to me from other side of room." Dr. Chang ordered. Wanting desperately for any results, the lady crawled back to Dr. Chang on her hands and knees. After much thought Dr. Chang was ready to give his diagnosis. "I am a verry sorry." said Dr. Chang, "but you have Ed Zachary disease, and you can never get date." "Oh, no what is that?!" said the worried lady. The Dr. replied "Ed Zachary disease...your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

A patient says, "Doctor, I keep forgetting things!" The doctor asks, "When did you first notice this problem?" The patient replies, "What problem?"

"Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after my cast comes off?" "Yes, absolutely." "That's amazing! I couldn't play it at all before."

A man runs into a doctor’s office and shouts, "Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me and treating me like I'm invisible!" The doctor looks past him and says, "Next, please!"

Patient: "Doctor, my eyesight is getting terrible. What should I do?" Doctor: "First, step up to the register and pay for your groceries. I'm a cashier."

A man goes to the ER with a piece of celery in his ear, a carrot in his nose, and a cucumber on his eye. The doctor looks at him and says, "Well, the diagnosis is clear. You're not eating right."

A guy addicted to brake fluid goes to his physician for help. "Don't worry," he says. "I can stop anytime I want."

A man with severe double vision walks into the clinic. The doctor says, "Take a seat on the couch." The man asks, "Which one?"

I told my doctor I wanted a plastic surgery consultation, but he said no. He said it was a face-lift I couldn't handle.

An X-ray technician marries an X-ray technician. Everyone wondered what they saw in each other.

Why did the skeleton go to the doctor? He was feeling a little bone-tired.

Patient: "Doctor, I'm scared. This is my first operation!" Doctor: "Don't worry, it's my first one too, and we're both doing great so far!"

Doctor: "I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is you have 24 hours to live." Patient: "What?! What could possibly be worse news than that?" Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

Why did the doctor bring a pencil to the operating room? In case he needed to draw blood.

I went to give blood today, but they asked too many personal questions. Like "Whose blood is this?" and "Why is it in a bucket?"

Patient: "Doctor, I can't sleep at night!" Doctor: "Try sitting near the edge of the bed. You'll drop off soon enough."

A doctor hands a patient a prescription for a new medication. Patient: "How often do I take these?" Doctor: "Take one every day until you run out, or until you realize they're just placebos."

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The bacteria reply, "But we're staph!" The Dermatologist Why did the dermatologist switch careers? He wanted to make decisions from the scratch.

An RNA strand walks into a doctor's office. Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?" RNA: "I think I have a bad transcript."

Patient: "Doctor, every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp pain in my right eye." Doctor: "Have you tried taking the spoon out of the mug first?"

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"