Miscellaneous Collection 1

(Betcha can't score more than 15 points by the end of the day!) One-Point Gags -------------------- Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!" Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way." Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye." Run one lap around the office at top speed. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. Walk sideways to the photocopier. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!" While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. Three-Point Gags ------------------------- Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight). Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice). Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. Five-Point Gags ---------------------- After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "The report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two." At lunch time get down on your knees and announce "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again." At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "Ya wanna trade?" Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it." Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out. In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am "See how I look in tights." In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!" Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now" Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator. While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.

Dear _______________, I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply) 1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. 2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion. 3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter! 4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. 5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. 6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands! 7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants. 8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. 9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you. 10. ___You have a hairy back. 11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. 12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. 13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation. 14. ___You still live with your parents. 15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting. 16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker. 17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner. 18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. 19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip. 20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, _________________________________

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? "Ooooh, looky-here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!". What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by the Romans in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.