Political Collection 2

While walking down the street one day a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules.." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." She reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

A GROUP of doctors were at a convention in Switzerland. The topic of discussion was the new medical technology FROM their countries. 'In my country," a German doctor said, "medicine is so advanced, we can perform heart surgery on a person on Monday, and have him back to work in 2 weeks." "That's nothing," a Japanese doctor said. "We can perform an appendectomy on a person on Tuesday, and have him back in work by Saturday." "That's nothing!" said an American doctor. "We can take an asshole FROM Arkansas, put him in the White House and half the country is out of work the next day!"

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Convention Schedules

Boston, Massachusetts 6:00 PM - Opening Flag Burning Ceremony 6:05 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. 6:15 PM - Secular Prayers by Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton 6:30 PM - Antiwar Concert by Barbara Streisand 6:40 PM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast 7:00 PM - Tribute to France 7:10 PM - Collect Offerings for al-Zawahri Defense Fund 7:25 PM - Tribute to Germany 7:45 PM - Antiwar Rally (Moderated by Michael Moore) 8:25 PM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast 8:30 PM - Terrorist Appeasement Workshop 9:00 PM - Roundtable Discussion of Taxes: "Calling for Higher Taxes on Others While You Pay None" 9:15 PM - Bill & Hillary Clinton Host a Seminar on "The Successful Selling of White House & Air Force One Mementos on eBay" 9:20 PM - Gay Marriage Ceremony (Both Male and Female Couples) 9:30 PM - * Intermission * Special Guest Soloist Jane Fonda 10:00 PM - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins 10:10 PM - Reenactment of Kerry's Fake Medal Toss 10:20 PM - Howard Dean Screamfest 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!' 10:30 PM - Seminar: "The Boy Scouts and Other Paramilitary threats to National Security" 10:40 PM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast 10:45 PM - Abortion Demonstration (NARAL) 11:00 PM - Multiple Gay Marriage Ceremony (Threesomes, Mixed and Same-Sex) 11:15 PM - 'Maximizing Welfare' Workshop 11:30 PM - 'Free Saddam' Pep Rally 11:50 PM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast 12:00 AM - Kerry-Edwards 2004 Sealed With A Kiss 12:01 AM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast 12:02 AM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast

New York, NY 6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell 6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance 6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment) 6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing 6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment 7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong 7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries 7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it's what's for dinner 8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next 8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh 8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children 8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only) 8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future 9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "I Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man" 9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong 9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: the real cause of forest fires 9:30 PM Break for secret meetings 10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas 10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: Doublespeak made easy 10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to squint and talk macho 10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark deer-in-headlights stare 10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt 10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans 10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong 10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: a drain on our nation's economy 11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata 11:20 PM Second John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: the dangerous new cult 11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again 11:35 PM Blame Clinton 11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies 11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself 12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord