Real Life Stories Collection 1

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"

This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio(NPR)interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?" GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting." INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range." INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm." INTERVIEWER: " But you're equipping them to become violent killers." GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?" The radio went silent and the interview ended!

Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.

"My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers) Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.) As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please? Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately! Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you? Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web browser! Tech: We didn't put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser. Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I'm looking at them right now! (Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself) Tech: Where exactly are these "bookmarks" located? Female Customer: In Netscape! Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be? Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down arrow! Tech: The one right above the Net Search button? Female Customer: Yes that one! Tech: Miss, that's the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the past ten links you typed in that box. The only way to put an address in that box is for someone to physically sit at your computer and type in a web address. Female Customer: Well I certainly didn't type in those X rated web addresses! Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer, and uses the Internet? Female Customer: Just me and my husband! (Several seconds of silence pass ... Hey! I wasn't going to say it!) Female Customer: ........ oh ............. OOOH! ... Thank you. (She quickly hung up)