Deer Hunting
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.
Them Texans
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Tragedy in Texas
TRAGEDY STRIKES IN COLLEGE STATION, TEXAS
AP Newswire
Tragedy occurred today in College Station, Texas when a Cessna 152 piloted by two Texas A&M graduate students crashed into a cemetery on their final approach to the College Station airport. At last report over three hundred bodies had been recovered by Texas A&M's crack search and rescue team. A spokesperson for the rescue team indicated that recovery efforts would continue through the night. This reporter was impressed that the two students from the downed aircraft were aiding in recovery efforts.
You Might Be A Redneck
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi Knight If...
You ever uttered the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
At least one wing of your X-wing is primer colored.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You describe the taste of an Ewok as "jus' like chicken."
You have ever had a B-wing up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on planet Dagobah is "them dadgum skeeters."
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you wouldn't have to wait for a commercial.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot!"
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on your flight helmet.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
You kinda think that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire "them damn Yankees."
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
In your opinion, that Cee-Threepio fellow "just ain't right."
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a Lazy-Boy recliner.
The REAL reason you got into a fight in the cantina was because you ordered Bud Light...and they didn't have it.
You knew Princess Leia was your sister all along.
Redneck Hero
Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "'Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies. "'Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says. "Then what are you?" the reporter askes. "I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" the boy says proudly. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"
You May Be A Redneck
You May Be A Redneck Pilot If...
... your stall warning plays "Dixie."
... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.
... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.
... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."
... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.
... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.
... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!
... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.
... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"
... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or "little darlin'."
... she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a redneck.
... you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon.
... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.
... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.
... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case of Bud."
... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman."