Elk Hunting
Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!"
The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."
Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.
The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.
Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?"
Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year."
Ya Might Be A Redneck
Ya might be a Redneck if.....
...You think the nutcracker is somethin you did off the high dive.
...You wont stop at a rest area if you have a empty beer can in the car.
...You think Iraq is top-of-the-line Camaro.
...Your spring wardrabe mostly involves scissors.
...you know atleast 6 ways to bend a baseball cap.
...you own a lava lamp thats over 5 feet tall.
...there are more than 10 cats livin under your trailer.
...you've ever thrown up in a squad car.
...your frist bra was a Wonderbra.
...you've ever had to appear in court due to your dogs.
...You think Thunderbird is an acceptable wine choice with a bean burrito.
...your grandma enters wet t-shrit contests.
...your local grocery store also has a few pool tables.
...your septic tank is the subject of a petition.
...you have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
...you had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
...your car and its motor are more than ten feet apart.
...stealing road signs is a family outing.
...your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
...you sent out birth announcements for your new puppies.
...you've changed a diaper on a Denny's table.
...you've ever named a child for a good dog.
...your T.V. is on 24-7.
...your last keg party included a couple of 911 calls.
...you have to mow around a refridgeator and a bed frame.
...you've ever taken a date flowers you stole from a cemetery.
...Everyone in the house learns somthing from the potty training videotape.
...Diners change tables when your family sits near them.
...your prom dress was knitted.
...you were born with a plastic spoon in your mouth.
...your bridal veil was made of window screen.
...you think people who have elictricty are uppity.
...your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
...the Marlboro man is your idol.
...all your golf balls come in egg cartons.
ToothBrush
The ToothBrush had to be invented in Kentucky because if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethBrush.
Using the FBI
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descended on Billy Bob's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
Redneck Sex Ed
One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma junior's 21 years old now" Its about time we teach him about sex".
Ma said "ya know pa your right".
So pa said to junior "hey junior come on out to the porch for a second".
so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says "ya pa whatcha want".
Pa said "junior its about time we teach you about sex".
Junior said "sex what's sex".
Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.
Pa says to junior "see that hole in ma? watch this". So pa starts going at it with ma.
In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, hes 18 and says, "Junior what's ma and pa doing".
Junior says "their teaching me about sex".
Juniors brother says "sex what's sex".
Junior says "see that hole in pa watch this".
Billy Bobs New Job
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck!"
Redneck Hotel
They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.
She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."
"But, madam!", replied the bellman.
"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."
"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"