Getting Into the Olympics
Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
You Might Be A Rednick If... (Part II)
..."Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit!
...An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
...a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
...a policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"
...a tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
...after the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
...any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
...anytime your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.
...at least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.
...baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.
...bikers back down from your momma.
...birds are attracted to your beard.
...burger King won't let you do it your way, right away.
...coons get into everyone else's trash but yours.
...fewer than half of your cars run.
...going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
...if you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald's playhouse.
...if you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.
...in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
...in the delivery room, your husband says, "That's worse than skinning a deer!"
...in tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
...instead of flossing you use a plunger.
...instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, "just in case".
...it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
...motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
...on stag night, you take a real deer.
...on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
...one of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
...one of your kids was born on a pool table!
...people hear your car long before they see it.
...people mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.
...rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you bring your own!
...red Man sends you a Christmas card.
...santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
...smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.
...taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
...taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
...the ASPCA raids your kitchen.
...the Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
...the Salvation Army declines your mattress.
...the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
...the diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
...the dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
...the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
...the flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
...the fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
...the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
...the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
...the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
...the interviewer asks, '"Did you know that we are a Fortune 500 Company?'" And you answer, '"What track do y'all sponsor that race at? I ain't been to that one yet."
You Might Be A Rednick If... (Part III)
...the most common phrase in your house is, "Someone go jiggle the handle."
...the oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)
...the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
...the taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
...the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
...there are more fish on your wall than pictures.
...there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
...there has ever been a crime scene tape across your bathroom door!
...there is a gun rack on your bicycle.
...there is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
...there is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
...there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
...there's a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.
...warp drive describes the condition of your car.
...when the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.
...when you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
...when you say, "Let's hit the hay," you actually MEAN it.
...when your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.
...you argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world.
...you believe All-Star Wrestling!
...you believe books are bad luck!
...you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
...you bring your dog to work with you.
...you buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your "stuff" (cars, trucks building materials).
...you can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald's Extra Value Meal.
...you can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are.
...you can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can't remember your wifes birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.
...you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
...you can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.
...you can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen.
...you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
...you clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.
...you complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.
...you consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
...you consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
...you consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.
...you drive around a parking lot for fun.
...you ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.
...you gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.
...you get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.
...you go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings.
...you go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
...you go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.
...you go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".
...you go to the post office to research your family tree.
...you go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
...you got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.
...you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
...you haul more than U-Haul.
...you have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.