School Collection 2

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..." Her trial starts next week.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you. Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader. Never underestimate the power of...termites. You can lead a horse to water but...how? Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty. No news is... impossible. A miss is as good as a... Mr. You can't teach an old dog new... math. If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning. Love all, trust... me. The pen is mightier than the... pigs. An idle mind is... the best way to relax. Where there's smoke there's... pollution. A penny saved is... not much. Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose. None are so blind as... Stevie Wonder. Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries. You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box. When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth' "? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Martinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Martinez whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

There was a class and each student had to go up to the front of the class and say a sentence using one of their spelling words. First Juan goes up and his word was love so he says, "Sara says she loves me". Then it's Chase's turn and his word is hate. So he goes up and says, "Sara says she hates me". Then it's Chris's turn and his word is dictate. So he goes up to the frount of the class and says, "Sara says my dictate good".

In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them." She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand. Suzie: " I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched." Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?" Suzie: " Don't count your chickens before they are hatched." Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?" Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke." Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?" Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Teacher: " Very good Ralphie, anyone else?" Little Johnny: " Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife." Teacher: "Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?" Little Johnny: "Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's drunk."