Weird News Collection 1

A COLLECTION OF TRUE NEWSPAPER HEADLINES THAT MERIT A SECOND GLANCE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Like, let's triple those muggings Lefty, and Spike, I want to see you double up on those purse-snatchings!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Now he can take his mind off the increase in crime, eh?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Wonder which one carried the vital organs?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (But babies were ALWAYS 'dumping'......)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (A unique approach to meeting new women)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Perverted hunters????)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Well, now I can stop worrying about my investments since the future is so certain....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (It took the experts to figure that one out)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (They needed a study to find THAT out?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (If you have to cut back, I guess that's as good a place as any to start)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Hindsight, maybe....but who could respect a hemorrhoid in the morning?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (So we don't have to wait until he's dead?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Maybe the mourners will beep their horns loud enough to wake the dead)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (That's got to be the toughest way to quit a job that I know of!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (And we all thought taxes ended with death!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Gimme An Order Of Insect Parts, Easy On The Fries.....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Who thought of this recipe, anyway???)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Well, they weren't using them anyway)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (When turnips are outlawed, only outlaws will have turnips)

Man Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (It's the quiet ones you have to worry about)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (But did he UNDERSTAND that he had to leave town?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Don't you agree that it's time they brought back the death penalty?)

Robber's Description: Man, Possibly A Woman, Definitely Ugly ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (But how do you interview suspects without hurting their feelings?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (We can all sleep better at night with THAT knowledge!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (In case they wanted to catch themselves in the act?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Attention K Mart shoppers, plutonium on aisle 9...)

Jury Suspects Foul Play In Death Of Man Shot, Burned & Buried In Shallow Grave ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Like, I guess they didn't want to discount the possibility of suicide)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Maybe stretched vocal chords...?)

The Russell Daily News, Monday, Feb. 24, 1992 Wichta (UPI) -- It was a Valentines Day to remember for a Wichita man who spent more than 12 hours with a 7 1/2 pound barbell weight stuck on his erect penis. Fire department officials Friday were reluctant to talk about the incident for fear of embarrassing the man, and refused to released his name. A fire department report said the man showed up at St. Francis Regional Medical Center about 5 p.m. Feb. 14 "distressed and desperate." The man told hospital workers he had decided early that morning to see if he would fit into the center hole of a barbell weight. He did, initially, but when he became erect, the man could not remove his penis. A doctor worked with the man for more than a hour, eventually calling for a fire department rescue squad and a medical officer. They arrived, and according to the incident reports, decided to try using bolt cutters to remove the weight. They succeeded in cutting a large chunk of the cast-iron weight away, but could not get through a center retaining ring to free the man. The firefighters had decided to get a heavier cutting tool to finish the job, but the physician intervened. Instead, a urologist made an incision, allowing the man's penis to drain and go limp, and removed the weight. The man was released from the hospital a short time later, and has not been heard from since.

OH THOSE COPS!! - At a high-school basketball game in February, Oklahoma City Police officer Eldridge Wyatt became dissatisfied that no fouls were being called on "No. 21" and walked onto the court to point out the player's elbowing to the referees. When referee Stan Guffey told Wyatt to leave the officiating to him, Wyatt arrested Guffey. Guffey was unarrested a few minutes later so that the game could continue, but when a reporter asked Wyatt after the game what had happened, Wyatt tried to arrest him, too. PAY ATTENTION DUDES! - Lynne F. Herron, 33, was hired recently as a municipal bus driver in Cleveland by the Regional Transit Authority. She had just been fired as a municipal train driver after an accident that injured 14 people, which she caused by deliberately disengaging a safety system. The city's labor contract requires that anyone fired for a train accident be rehired as a bus driver. - A West Chester, Pa., urologist reported in an issue of `Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality' last year that a man had checked himself into an emergency room with pain resulting from a swollen and apparently lacerated scrotum. Days after the doctor repaired the patient's condition, the man confided that he had been masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a piece of machinery at work during his lunch hour when he leaned too close as he approached orgasm and suffered an industrial accident. He then used a heavy duty stapling gun to close the wound. - Motorcyclist David Gripon was injured in a collision near Escondito, Calif., in July when he lost control of his bike on Interstate 15. As Gripon came alongside a car with bare feet sticking out of the passenger window, he reached out to tickle them and ran into the car in front of him. - Montesano, Wash., government prosecutor Steward Menefee announced in November that he would not seek a tougher penalty against convicted murderer Lee Bake, because the required "aggravated circumstances" were not present. Bake had gouged the victim's eyes with a screwdriver, stabbed her to death, and drunk her blood. - Malaysian Deputy Interior Minister Megat Junid Ayob told an anti-drug conference in January in Kuala Lampur that shortages in heroin and cannabis have caused some addicts to get high by sniffing fresh cow dung. Addicts put a coconut shell over the party, with a hole at the top for sniffing. - Recently in a New York City supermarket, according to a `New York Daily News' story, a customer became upset that another woman was abusing the maximum limit for items at an express checkout line and precipitated a loud argument, which culminated with the angry woman shouting at the queue-abuser, "I spit into your groceries." the alleged queue-abuser was the wife of reputed mobster John Gotti. Victoria Gotti said she "used connections" to trace the woman's license plate, went to the woman's home, and dumped a box of dog feces on her. - In December, Washington State Reformatory officials they had erred in obliging a 53 year old inmate's job preference to work in the prison's printing plant. He was serving time for forgery, and officials uncovered, during a routine inspection of his quarters, forged birth certificates, marriage licenses, and a paycheck stub. An official said the prison tries to get inmates jobs "based on their interests." AS IN REAL WEIRD - Transsexual Baroness Maria Thyssen von Hexun, formerly James Gonzales, was sentenced to four years in prison in Denver in October, for bilking an elderly woman out of several thousand dollars. As her sentence was pronounced, the 6 foot, 220 pound baroness rolled her eyes and objected, "I've been involved with nothing but a bunch of jerks. They don't listen. They lose things." Her attorney told the judge that "these things happen," referring to the baroness' fantasies that she was a baroness. REAL DUMB - Prison escapee James Sanders was captured by federal agents at his home in Stinnett, Texas, in January after 17 years on the lam, during which he had established a new life, married, and fathered a daughter. Agents were tipped off when Sanders, out of curiosity, telephoned the FBI to ask whether they were still pursuing James Sanders. MAJOR BAD SPORT - In February, Marc Cienkowski, 26, confessed to the murder last July of his friend, Michael Klucznik, 31, in Doylestown Borough, Pa., after a dispute over a game of Monopoly. Cienkowski shot Klucznik through the heart, using a bow and arrow. According to the district attorney, "[Cienkowski] wanted to be the car rather than the thimble or the hat." Downloaded From P-80 International Information Systems 304-744-2253