Getting Into the Olympics
Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
You Know Youre Trailer Trash
You know you're trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Dead Hick
Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Ghost Hick
A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"
You May Be A Redneck
You May Be A Redneck Pilot If...
... your stall warning plays "Dixie."
... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.
... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.
... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."
... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.
... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.
... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!
... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.
... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"
... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or "little darlin'."
... she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a redneck.
... you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon.
... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.
... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.
... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case of Bud."
... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman."