Dirty Jokes Collection 18

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance. The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal." As luck would have it, a hunter saw what  was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear." Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter. However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat." At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake. The moral of this story is: If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer. The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"

A white girl came up to her dad who was sitting in a beaten up armchair. "Pa, kin ah borrow the truck to-nahgt?" she asked. Her dad looked up to her and said, "Darlin', yew know what yew haf t'do if'n yew wants to borrer th' truck." "But Pa! Ah haf t'go naow!" the white girl cried. Her daddy stood up and unzipped his pants. "Yew know perfectly well what yew haf t'do. On yer knees, bitch!" The white girl complied and started sucking her dad's cock. After a few seconds she stopped in disgust and looked up to her dad. "Gee Pa, yore dick shore tastes like shit!" Her dad slapped his forhead and said, "Dammit, Ah forgot! Ah already loaned the truck to yer brother just a few minutes ago!"

If you go down to the woods today you're sure of a big suprise If you go down to the woods today you won't believe your eyes Auntie Floss is having a toss Uncle Frank is having a wank Mr Fiss is having a piss In the woods today

Two leprochans have a bet. To settle their bet, they take it to a convent. Mother Suprior answers the door, and says "Oh my goodness! Its a leprochan!" The firt Leprochan replies, "Take it easy sister, I only wanna ask you a qustion. Are there any nuns in your convent that are my size?" "No, little man, there is no nuns in my convent that are your size." "Alright then. Are there any nuns in all of Ireland, that are my size?" "No, little man, there are no nuns in all of Ireland that are your size." "Alright then. One more question: Are there any nuns in all of the world, that are my size?" "No, little man, I am quite sure there are no nuns in all of the word that are your size!" "Okay then." The second leprochan starts laughing his ass off. But through the laughter, he manages to say "You see, i told you fucked a penguin!"

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45 years. So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work. At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars. At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered. She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath. The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?" The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said 'fuck him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea."

This guy has to baby-sit his litle brother, and when his parents leave they say, 'Now, don't you bring your girlfriend over, or you're in big trouble, young man.' The guy promises he won't, but as soon as his parents left he puts his little brother to bed and calles up his girlfriend. She comes over and they get down in the bed to fuck each other, and she says, 'Okay, lettuce means harder and tomato means faster.' So they go at it, shouting, 'Lettuce, tomato! Lettuce, tomato!' The little brother chooses this moment to come into the bedroom saying he can't sleep, and asks, 'What are you doing?' The guy, thinking quickly, says, 'Oh, we're making a sandwich.' So they continue to bang the bone-dance, shouting, 'Lettuce, tomato! Lettuce, tomato!' The little brother put his hand to his cheek and said, 'Yuck, you got mayonaise on my face!'