Dirty Jokes Collection 19

Dick or Lick? There once lived a king and a queen who ruled a large kingdom. The king was short in vital parts and the queen had to seek solace with every Dick, Tom and harry. After some time the king grew suspicious of the queen's escapades and wanted to punish the subjects willing to risk their lives for a fling with her. He sought the services of his court magician to help identify the culprits. The magician built an invisible contraption that was attached to the queen's waist. The mechanism was simple, it would slice any elongated object that ventured anywhere within an inch of the queen's waist. Having set his trap the king set off on a hunting trip and returned to his palace after spending a sleepless week and burning with curiosity. Immediately after his arrival he summoned the queen's private bodyguards to his foyer and having despatched all attendants ordered them to undress. All of them had lost their penises! He next summoned the palace guards and the result was the same. By mid-afternoon he realised that there was not a single male soul in the vicinity who had not made a valiant attempt only to be left peniless (pun). The only man left was his minister and to his surprise the king, on inspection found the only man who had a penis left on him! Pleseed with his minister's loyalty he asked him as to what punishment would befit all the others and in reply received only a blubbering sound from the minister's mouth.

A man goes to his physician to pick up his sick wife's results. The nurse on reception asks him the family name to which he replies 'Smith'. 'Mr Smith, we have so many of them that we can't find them. We've narrowed them down to two. Either she came in for an AIDS test or an ALZHEIMERS' test.' 'What shall I do?' exclaimed the concerned husband. 'Well I suggest you take your wife into town and leave her there. If she finds her own way home DON'T fuck her.'

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off... The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the barteneder finnaly went over to the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen." The man replied by saying I dont think so. I can get any lady that I want. The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldnt get the woman to even talk to him. The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her. The bartender accepted. The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door. The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "damn that sucks but what happened?" Tthe man replied with "I dont know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows."

A man knocked on a door an a women answered and he asked if he could use her toilet. She said you have 3 chances, if you do 3 things wrong I`ll call the police. So he went to piss but on the flush chain there was a bra so he ripped it off. Then when he was walking down the stairs he saw her cat called Boobs on the step & he hates cats so he squezed it & then threw it up the stairs. He then went in the kitchen where the women was & the women said why did you throw my cat up the stairs? He said I don`t know. While she went to get it, on the table was a glass of milk which he then drank. When the women came back she said you had your 3 chances now I'm calling the Police. When the police came they asked her what the man had done. She said this man has ripped her bra off, squezed her Boobs and drank her milk.

A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run...run!" The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!" A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya." The next batter's count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!"