Dirty Jokes Collection 23

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill Forgot the pill And now they have a son. MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread. LITTLE MISS MUFFET Sat on a tuffet, Her clothes all tattered and torn. It was not the spider that crept up beside her But Little Boy Blue and his horn. SIMPLE SIMON Met a Pieman Going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, "What have you got there?" Said the Pieman unto Simon, "Pies, you dumb@ss!" HUMPTY DUMPTY Sat on a wall Humpty dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again. HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE, The cat did a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun When the cat died of electric shock. GEORGIE PORGY Puddin' Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay. THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL Who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was good, She was very, very good, But when she was bad, She got a fur coat, jewels, and a sports car.

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest." "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise she asks, "Fred what are you doing!?" To which Fred replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb To temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Jack and Jill Went up the hill to smoke some marijuanna. Jack got high and dropped his fly and said, "jill, do you wanna?" Jill said yes and dropped her dress and then they had some fun. but silly Jill forgot the Pill and now they have a son!

An old woman's husband dies and she inherits millions of dollars. She decides after a while that the money just isn't enough and she needs someone to fill the void. She decides the easiest way to go about finding someone would be to use the personal adds in the paper. Her ad reads: RICH WIDOW SEEKING MAN, HAS TO MEET THESE THREE QUALITIES: WON'T BEAT HER UP, WON'T RUN AWAY, AND IS GREAT IN BED. CALL-555-2121 OR COME BY- 212 OAK STREET. Over the few days after the ad ran she had tons of men call but none of them seemed right. Then when she was about to give up, the doorbell rang. The widow opened the door but didn't see anyone. When she was about to shut the door, she heard someone yell "hey!." There on the welcome mat sat a man with no arms and no legs. "May I help you," asked the widow. "I'm here about the ad in the paper," the man replied. "What?" asked the surprised widow. The man proceeded to answer, "I don't have any arms so I can't beat you up, and I don't have any legs so I can't run away." "Well what makes you think you're so great in bed?" she asked. The man simply said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I."

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable. One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, shewants to make love to me just once.. What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. Lesson learned: "Always keep your condoms in your car..."