Dirty Jokes Collection 30

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating." The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering". The man asked, "Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my pro.. pro.. problem." The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant." The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter. At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back." The doctor shook his head and replied, "That's im.. im.. im.. impo.. impossible."

A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

A woman and a baby were in the doctors examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You dont have any milk." "I know," she said, "Im his grandmother, but Im glad I came."

A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis. A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?" He replies,"It died today." "Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again. The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday." The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles FROM behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I"m only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can"t tell. I"m only here to wash your face and hands." The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!" At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "Are my test results back?"

Two women decided to go out one evening, without their husbands,and more importantly -- No Kids. Laughing the entire evening away and finding that they had consumed entirely too much wine, they decided it was time to head home. They were about half way home when both ladies decided that they needed to find a bathroom quick. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. A little bit scared and tipsy, they decided they'd just have to stop there ... they couldn't wait any longer. Stumbling off the road INTO the cemetery they soon discovered they had no toilet paper or Kleenex but the trip being an urgent one, they decided to 'just make do'! The first one decided to use her panties and then discard them. The second one had on new panties and not wanting to leave them behind, grabbed a big ribbon FROM a floral wreath on the grave stone next to her. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one of them said to the other: "You know, we'll have to keep a closer watch on our wives ... it seems that those two were up to no good last night. My wife came home in the wee hours without her panties...." The other one responded: "Well, you're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, 'We will never forget you....The Carboni Brothers.'"

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS? If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest? Your gene pool needs a little chlorine. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT! Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date! Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. All men are idiots....I married their king. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes. Hang up and drive. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will...I want to be on it. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink. We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home. Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else. Honk If You Want To See My Finger Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Support Cannibalism-EAT ME! God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician. Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian! Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! More funny bumper stickers "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. All generalizations are false, including this one. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. Assassins do it from behind. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? Did anyone see my lost carrier? Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. Double your drive space - delete Windows! Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue. Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. He who laughs last thinks slowest! I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control! Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! The gene pool could use a little chlorine. The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER There's too much blood in my caffeine system. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free? When there's a will, I want to be in it.