Dirty Jokes Collection 3

Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down. The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts. I find your lack of pants disturbing. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time! General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home. TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants? Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants. You are unwise to lower your pants. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board. You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark. Luke... Help me remove these pants. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational! A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one... Your sister! Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser. Short pants is better than no pants at all.

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash" The second nun said, " Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms" "Oh my" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them" she replied. The third nun said, "Oh shit."

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out...carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday. ... and there on the couch I sat... with nothing on but my socks......

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home. He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl. The bowl is full of butter....

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were atleast three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil." "The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them." "Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food." "The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!"