Dirty Jokes Collection 34

15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean. 14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all." 13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks. 12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display. 11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer. 10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition. 9. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling. 8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct. 7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again. 6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe. 5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel. 4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack." 3. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success. 2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar. 1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I'm on break."

1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch 2. Who Shat in the Hat? 3. Horton Hires a Ho 4. Fox in Detox 5. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert 6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax 7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day 8. Your Colon Can Moo--Can You? 9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil 10. The Cat in the Blender 11. Are You My Proctologist? 12. Yentl the Lentil 13. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket 14. Aunts in My Pants 15. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff! 16. Horton Fakes an Orgasm 17. The Grinch's Ten Inches

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face. 2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen. 3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. 4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!" 5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom!

1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know." 2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?" 3) "How come it's so BIG in there?" 4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?" 5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?" 6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?" 7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!" 8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!" 9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better." 10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?" 11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow. 12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant." 13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?" 14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!" 15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !" 16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------" 17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?" 18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Maybe it looks different backwards?) Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only tropical fish stores. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for on the premises."

10. JRLA -- Janet Reno Look-Alike 9. CWP -- Cigar-Wielding President 8. MSG S/G W/B M/F KOPWPFYB -- Moonwalking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys 7. RHMI -- Really Hip Macarena Instructor 6. HAWGSOH -- Heroin Addict With Great Sense Of Humor 5. STLSM -- Show Tune-Loving Straight Male 4. SWFWHBTP -- Single White Female Who Has Blown The President 3. EHWC -- Extremely Hairy White Chick 2. WARSADAP -- Works At Radio Shack And Drives A Pinto And The Number One 1. WSUBFC -- Will Screw Ugly Bastards For Cash