Dirty Jokes Collection 35

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me. 2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday? 3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head? 4. Can you believe it! Those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check! 5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times. 6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable, in my opinion. 7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her. 8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it? 9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too. 10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes" 2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide" 3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown" 4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?" 5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!" 6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest" 7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em" 8. The mailman because he always delivers his package. 9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down. 10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. Do I look like a fucking people person? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. If I throw a stick, will you leave? And just how may I fuck you over today? And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you! Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? You look like shit. Is that the style now? Earth is full. Go home. I thought I wanted a career, turns out all I wanted was paychecks. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands. 2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her. 3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."] 4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear. 5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want? 6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. 7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. 8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night? 9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. 10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream. 11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover." 12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck? 13. Can I flirt with you? 14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns. 15. [Look at his/her shirt label.] When they say, "What are you doing?": Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size. 16. All those curves, and me with no brakes. 17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? 19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine. 20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken? 21. Is it hot in here or is it just you? 22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!] 23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. 24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? 25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? 27. So... How am I doin'? 28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes? 29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg. 30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it? 31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours? 32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away. 33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair? 34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it. 35. [Regard their outfit] Gee, that's becoming on you, if you wore me, I'd be coming on you too.