Dirty Jokes Collection 36

Men are like... ....Placemats They only show up when there's food on the table. .....Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion. ....Bike Helmets Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly ...Parking spots The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. ...Copiers You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. .....Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not all that bright. .....Bank accounts Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest ....high heels They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. .....Curling Irons They are always hot, and they are always in your hair. ....Mini skirts If you are not careful they'll creep up your legs. ...Bananas They older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long. Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips. Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like.....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot and in your hair. Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you. Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up on you. Men are like.....Noodles. They're always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough. Men are like.....Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom. Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap and they prove to be unreliable. Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Slick Willie Double Nut Joy Subpoenas 'n' Cream Impeach-Mint Candy Pants Chocolate Chip Doughboy Chilly Hillbilly Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl Vanilla Pantsachio Subpoena Colada Biscuits 'n' Gravy Horny Bubba Crunch Arkansas Peach Subpoena Butter Cup Peppermint Fattie Captain Cream Tubby Bubba Hillary Chiller Fundraising Coffee Oval Office Surprise Arkansas Smoothie Hyperactive Nuts Scandalberry

Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker. Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer. Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers. You're being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That's a sign you're being stalked by Chaka Khan.) You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome. Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're magically delicious!" When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing "Danny Boy." Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi. Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat. Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, "Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?" Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found. Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's, Chester. Every day this week you've noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. Born free... taxed to death. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer. There's too much blood in my alcohol system. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer. If, a two letter word for futility I don't care, I don't have to. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. Horn broken, watch for finger. All men are idiots ... I married their king. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. My kid had sex with your honor student. Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later. Give pizza chants. Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail. This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way. How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks! If something goes without saying, LET IT! If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply Work is for people who don't know how to fish. IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now. Life's a buffet... so eat me! I'm just driving this way to piss you off. If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires. I love cats ... dead ones I love cats ... they taste just like chicken Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket? I want to be like Barbie, that bitch has everything. Keep honking, I'm reloading. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. Prevent inbreeding: ban country music. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Spotted owl taste just like chicken. Hang up and drive. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition. This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me. I have the body of a god... Buddha! I get enough exercise pushing my luck. Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy If you don't like the news, go out and make your own. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep Guns don't kill people... but they make it real easy. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Tow-ers will be violated If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Friends don't let Friends drive Naked. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.