Funny Lists Collection 15

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. You call your son's beeper to let him know that it is time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. You chat several times a day with someone from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. Your daughter just bought a single CD of all the records your college roommate used to play. Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. You've printed this out and are reading it in the "library."

THE AL GORE Virus... (Causes your computer to just keep counting.) THE CLINTON Virus... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.) THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.) THE RONALD REAGAN virus... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.) THE JESSE JACKSON virus... (Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.) THE MIKE TYSON virus... (Quits after two bytes.) THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to re- stabilize around 200mb.) THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files.) THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.) THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files.) THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.) And last but not least....THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.)

1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining 6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain. 7. When you are sick, ..stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

When a Joke Becomes the Truth... "President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either." ...David Letterman "In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda - and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out." ...Jay Leno "President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida." ...Jay Leno "Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'" ...Craig Kilborn "We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem...it's in North Korea." ...Jon Stewart "War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.'" ...Jay Leno "CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts...regular, premium and unleaded." ...Jay Leno "Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war." ...Jay Leno "Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is." ...Jon Stewart "The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow "Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular." ...Jay Leno "The president boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear to the world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are Britain and Spain." ...Bill Maher

How to Shower Like a Woman 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups. 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 10. Complain because your husband had been eating your gingernut and jaffa cake body wash. 11. Rinse conditioner off hair. 12. Shave armpits and legs. 13. Turn off shower. 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 15. Get out of shower onto a floor towel. Dry with a towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 16. Hang floor towel on side of tub. 17. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs. 18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 19. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Wash your face. 6. Wash your armpits. 7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. 8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. 9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. 11. Shampoo your hair. 12. Taste your wife's ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. 14. Pee. 15. Rinse off and get out of shower. (What's a floor towel?) 16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. 17. Admire wiener size in mirror again. 18. Leave shower curtain open, water on floor, light and fan on. 19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. 20. Throw wet towel on bed.