Things You'll Never Hear Yoda Say
What expect you from someone 900 years old? English perfect???
Size matters not...hey, what are you laughing at?
Lift THAT ship?! You must be out of your mind
I cannot teach him. IQ of 30 has he. Hangs upside down in ice caves.
Duct Tape...the Force it is like. Both a light side and a dark side it has. Binds the universe together it does!
Remember all that stuff Obi-Wan taught you? Forget it.
Yeah, well oneness with the universe doesn't put food on the plate, junior.
No...there is another. Let's hope as stupid, she is not.
Never underestimate the powers of the dark side. Or is that Regis Philbin?
I cannot teach him. Land an X-wing, he cannot even.
Never underestimate the power of the dark side... or duct tape.
Yeah yeah. Force this!
Anger, fear, merchandising...the Dark Side are they!
I didn't want this job! I wanted Marlon Brando's role in 'Apocalypse Now!'
No Force? Take this, impudent nonbeliever! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
So how did you like the funhouse in the cave, Luke?
Quite frankly, Mr. Skywalker, if Obi-Wan wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled.
Oh, yes, well if you're going could you take this robe to the cleaners for me? I've been wearing it for over 800 years on this stinkhole and it doesn't... Oh, judge me on my smell, will you?
Well it may be spooky, but it saves cost on burial plots and it beats cremation.
Luke, don't ask what the Force can do for you.. But what you can do for the Force.
You Live In
You Live In...
You live in California when ...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is; you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You live in New York when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You live in Alaska when . . .
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You live in the Deep South when . . .
1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.
You live in Colorado when . . .
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
You live in the Midwest when . . .
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different! "
You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
Ya Might Be A Redneck
Ya might be a Redneck if.....
...You think the nutcracker is somethin you did off the high dive.
...You wont stop at a rest area if you have a empty beer can in the car.
...You think Iraq is top-of-the-line Camaro.
...Your spring wardrabe mostly involves scissors.
...you know atleast 6 ways to bend a baseball cap.
...you own a lava lamp thats over 5 feet tall.
...there are more than 10 cats livin under your trailer.
...you've ever thrown up in a squad car.
...your frist bra was a Wonderbra.
...you've ever had to appear in court due to your dogs.
...You think Thunderbird is an acceptable wine choice with a bean burrito.
...your grandma enters wet t-shrit contests.
...your local grocery store also has a few pool tables.
...your septic tank is the subject of a petition.
...you have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
...you had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
...your car and its motor are more than ten feet apart.
...stealing road signs is a family outing.
...your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
...you sent out birth announcements for your new puppies.
...you've changed a diaper on a Denny's table.
...you've ever named a child for a good dog.
...your T.V. is on 24-7.
...your last keg party included a couple of 911 calls.
...you have to mow around a refridgeator and a bed frame.
...you've ever taken a date flowers you stole from a cemetery.
...Everyone in the house learns somthing from the potty training videotape.
...Diners change tables when your family sits near them.
...your prom dress was knitted.
...you were born with a plastic spoon in your mouth.
...your bridal veil was made of window screen.
...you think people who have elictricty are uppity.
...your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
...the Marlboro man is your idol.
...all your golf balls come in egg cartons.