Actual Medical Chart Notes
1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
6. Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
7. The patient refused autopsy.
8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
9. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
10. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
11. She is numb FROM her toes down.
12. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
13. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
14. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
15. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Wise Words To Live By
1. Sex is like air. Its not important unless you aren't getting any.
2. No one is listening until you fart.
3. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
4. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
5. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
6. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
7. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
8. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
9. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
10. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
11. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on the ass. Then things get worse.
12. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Interesting and Funny Signs
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We REPAIR what your husband fixed."
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
You Might Be A Rednick If... (Part II)
..."Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit!
...An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
...a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
...a policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"
...a tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
...after the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
...any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
...anytime your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.
...at least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.
...baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.
...bikers back down from your momma.
...birds are attracted to your beard.
...burger King won't let you do it your way, right away.
...coons get into everyone else's trash but yours.
...fewer than half of your cars run.
...going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
...if you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald's playhouse.
...if you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.
...in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
...in the delivery room, your husband says, "That's worse than skinning a deer!"
...in tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
...instead of flossing you use a plunger.
...instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, "just in case".
...it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
...motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
...on stag night, you take a real deer.
...on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
...one of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
...one of your kids was born on a pool table!
...people hear your car long before they see it.
...people mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.
...rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you bring your own!
...red Man sends you a Christmas card.
...santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
...smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.
...taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
...taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
...the ASPCA raids your kitchen.
...the Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
...the Salvation Army declines your mattress.
...the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
...the diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
...the dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
...the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
...the flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
...the fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
...the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
...the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
...the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
...the interviewer asks, '"Did you know that we are a Fortune 500 Company?'" And you answer, '"What track do y'all sponsor that race at? I ain't been to that one yet."