Funny Lists Collection 2

Never squat with yer spurs on. There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey. Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment. Always drink upstream from the herd. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...they are called managers.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,you'll never go anywhere again. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale 3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.