Funny Lists Collection 35

17. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up." 16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. 13. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. 12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them. 11. We put the "k" in "kwality." 10. 2 days without a human rights violation. 9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?" 8. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick. 7. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 5. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free. 3. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it. 2. Plagiarism saves time. 1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I've learned... ...that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. ...that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. ...that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. ...that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits. ...that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think. ...that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. ...that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. ...that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. ...that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do. ...that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. ...that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. ...that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. ...to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office. I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes. I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room. I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly. I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer. MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced. I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot. I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk. I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there. I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out. I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away! I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

You know you're trailer trash when... The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People." You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean. Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!" Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation? 3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. 4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? 5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? 7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." 8. So what's the speed of dark? 9. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow? 10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? 11. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? 12. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? 13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. 14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? 15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? 16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 17. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? 19. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? 20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? 21. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? 22. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 23. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? 24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak? 25. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? 26. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? 27. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? 28. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? 29. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? 30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? 31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? 32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? 33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? 34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me! 35. Do fish get cramps after eating? 36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? 37. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? 38. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? 39. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? 40. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? 41. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? 42. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. 43. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at him? 44. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? 45. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? 46. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? 47. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? 48. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 49. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? 50. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 51. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? 52. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? 53. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 54. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 55. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? 56. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? 57. Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer? 58. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 59. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? 60. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? 61. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.