Funny Lists Collection 36

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. Born free... taxed to death. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer. There's too much blood in my alcohol system. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer. If, a two letter word for futility I don't care, I don't have to. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. Horn broken, watch for finger. All men are idiots ... I married their king. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. My kid had sex with your honor student. Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later. Give pizza chants. Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail. This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way. How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks! If something goes without saying, LET IT! If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply Work is for people who don't know how to fish. IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now. Life's a buffet... so eat me! I'm just driving this way to piss you off. If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires. I love cats ... dead ones I love cats ... they taste just like chicken Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket? I want to be like Barbie, that bitch has everything. Keep honking, I'm reloading. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. Prevent inbreeding: ban country music. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Spotted owl taste just like chicken. Hang up and drive. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition. This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me. I have the body of a god... Buddha! I get enough exercise pushing my luck. Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy If you don't like the news, go out and make your own. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep Guns don't kill people... but they make it real easy. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Tow-ers will be violated If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Friends don't let Friends drive Naked. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

A beer short of a six pack. A brick short of a load. A couple of eggs shy of a dozen. A couple of gallons short of a full tank. A few ants short of a picnic. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few bricks short of a pile. A few bricks short of a wall. A few cards short of a deck. A few clowns short of a circus. A few feathers short of a whole duck. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. A few of sheep short of an orgy. A few peas short of a casserole. A few tomatoes short of a good thick sauce. A few trucks short of a convoy. A fortune cookie short of a Chinese dinner. A pepperoni short of a pizza. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. About as bright as a burnt-out 20 watt light bulb. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. An intellect rivalled only by garden tools. As much use as a hedgehog in a condom factory. As much use as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest. As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle. As quick as a tortoise on Prozac. As smart as bait. As useful as a screen door on a submarine. As useful as a wooden frying pan. As useful as tits on a bull. Body by God, Mind by Mattel. Bright as Alaska in December. Doesnt have both oars in the water. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't have all the dots on his dice. Dumb as a corn cob. Dumb as a stump. Dumber than a bag of rocks. Elevator doesn't quite make the top floor. Fell out of the family tree. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Goes surfing in Nebraska. Golf bag doesnt have a full set of irons.< Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasnt watching. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. He is so dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye-chart. He played too much without a helmet. Hes got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut. He's got a leak in his think-tank. He's got a mind like a steel sieve. He's got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground. He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He's so dense light bends around him. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. His cheese has slipped off his cracker. His porch light ain't on. If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M. If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose. If brains were dynamite, he wouldnt have enough to blow his hat off. If brains were gasoline, he couldn't ride a moped around a fruit loop. If brains were taxed, hed get a rebate. If he had a brain, he'd be dangerous. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted. Isnt firing on all 6 cylinders. Isnt firing on all thrusters. Kangaroo loose in the top paddock. Like a pair of childrens scissors, bright and colorful, but not too sharp. Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine. Mind is in neutral, body is in gear. Mind like a rubber bear trap. Needing a few screws tightened. Not firing with all spark plugs. Not the brightest light in the harbor. Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree. Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box. Not the sharpest pencil in the box. Off his rocker. On/off switch is stuck in the off position. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. One tit short of an udder. One turbine short of an airplane. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Requires directions to lay sod. Room temperature IQ. Running about a quart low. Running on empty. Sharp as a bowling ball. She is so dumb, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses. She's not tied too tight to the pier. Strong like bear, smart like tractor. Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes. The elevator is stuck between floors. Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window. Too many yards between the goal posts. Two hub caps short of a Buick. Warning--Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby. You're the flower of my life (you blooming idiot). You can't call him an idiot, you'll insult all the idiots in the world.