Funny Lists Collection 40

"My Mom (and/or Dad) fought at the Battle of (Yavin/Hoth/Endor) and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" "Have you hugged a wookie today?" "I'm with stupid" (With arrow pointing to Jabba) "My astromech went to the Death Star and all I got were the lousy Technical Schematics" "Emperor's slugs need love too"

15. 180 degrees shy of heaven 14. Performing with Flaccido Domingo 13. A few parts shy of an erector set 12. Sch-wing and a miss 11. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense 10. The Null Monty 9. Disappointing Miss Daisy 8. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics 7. Ascension Deficit Disorder 6. Bouncing the Check of Love 5. Less-than-Magic Johnson 4. All Doled up with nowhere to go 3. Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You 2. Serving boneless pork 1. Unleavened Man-Bread

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker. 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood. John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home. Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine. Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs. Fairchild Electronics, Honeywell Computers, and Rothschild will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild. 3M, J.C. Penney, and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera. Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants will merge and become Poupon Pants. Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" -Dave Barry According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -Jay Leno I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it. -Bill Cosby We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Jay Leno When the sun comes up, I have morals again. -Elayne Boosler There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -Jerry Seinfield If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. -Lewis Grizzard The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -Jeff Foxworthy See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -Robin Williams

March Planned For Next August L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide Patient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Have a beer! I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. -Catherine Zandonella Non-Drinker: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls. --Timothy Walsh A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --Anonymous What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. --Michelle Mastrolacasa I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... --Brian O'Rourke You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson All right, Brain, I don't like you... and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson