Funny Lists Collection 5

Unix You shoot yourself in the foot. DOS You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier. MS-Windows The gun blows up in your hand. Windows NT The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other. OS/2 The gun and the bullet aren't speaking to each other any more. Mac Finder It's easy to shoot yourself in the foot -- just point and shoot. AIX You can shoot yourself in the foot with either a .38 or a .45. IRIX The Terminator shoots you in the foot. A T-Rex bites your other foot. SVR4 The gun isn't compatible with your foot. Minix You learn how to shoot yourself in the foot with a Saturday Night Special. Linux Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help you shoot yourself in the foot for free. HURD You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot Real Soon Now. VM/CMS IBM shoots you in the foot. VMS FOOT ambiguous: supply more toes. AMIGA-DOS The gun works pretty well, except that few people use one and it's impossible to find bullets. Mach The bullets work pretty well, but they don't make guns for it any more. Cray You shoot yourself in the foot with an Uzi. MasPar You shoot all of your friends' feet simultaneously.

I've been working on a project at work to ensure all our end users know how to back up data in preparation for company wide computer upgrades. I'm tempted to hand this out to some of our users. 1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. 4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data needs to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive whenever you update a document; the data will be recorded on both diskettes. 6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you, you will probably need to insert several dollars before being allowed to access the disk drive. 7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data ("data compression") enough to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 1.3gb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80mb and then slowly expands back to 1.3gb. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back... DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network. TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort". CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. EMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs...No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus. DENVER BRONCOS VIRUS: Makes your P133 machine perform like a 286/AT L.A.P.D. VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. He who hesitates is probably right. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Two wrongs are only the beginning. Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).

Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer writes JMP or even BRA (branch). These instructions are frequently abbreviated into total incomprehensibility. Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary. Anyone who has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all computers can be programmed using an undocumented set of instructions. Frequently when an error is made writing a program in assembler a user can actually see the program executing the undocumented instructions. These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all computers have a certain set of them in common. As a service to humanity, I am here revealing these common instructions for the first time. ARG : Agree to Run Garbage BDM : Branch and Destroy Memory CMN : Convert to Mayan Numerals DDS : Damage Disk and Stop EMR : Emit Microwave Radiation ETO : Emulate Toaster Oven FSE : Fake Serious Error GSI : Garble Subsequent Instructions GQS : Go Quarter Speed HEM : Hide Evidence of Malfunction IDD : Inhale Dust and Die IKI : Ignore Keyboard Input IMU : Irradiate and Mutate User JPF : Jam Paper Feed JUM : Jeer at Users Mistake KFP : Kindle Fire in Printer LNM : Launch Nuclear Missiles MAW : Make Aggravating Whine NNI : Neglect Next Instruction OBU : Overheat and Burn if Unattended PNG : Pass Noxious Gas QWF : Quit Working Forever QVC : Question Valid Command RWD : Read Wrong Device SCE : Simulate Correct Execution SDJ : Send Data to Japan TTC : Tangle Tape and Crash UBC : Use Bad Chip VDP : Violate Design Parameters VMB : Verify and Make Bad WAF : Warn After Fact XID : eXchange Instruction with data YII : Yield to Irresistible Impulse ZAM : Zero All Memory