Funny Lists Collection 45

"Air Force '45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see you've already ejected." "Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna." "About three miles ahead, you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles." "If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor." "I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me." "You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head." "It's too late for Louisville. We're going back to O'Hare." "Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace." "Don't anybody maintain anything." "Climb like your life depends on it...because it does." "If you want more room, captain, push your seat back." "For radar identification, throw your jumpseat rider out the window." "Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings.." "OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!" The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue. When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times. When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time. When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?" When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public. When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public. When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad. When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot. When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked. When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????" When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay. When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???" When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason. When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets. When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together. When you are married ....You wonder who will die first. When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy." When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out. When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is. When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area. When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood." When you are married ....He says "It's your job." When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends. When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away. When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things. When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare. When you are dating..... He calls you by name. When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically. if you enjoy pain. if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division. if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force." if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator. if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major. if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer. if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver." if you always do homework on Friday nights. if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water. if you think in "math." if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges. if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function. if you have a pet named after a scientist. if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians. if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the if you can translate English into Binary. if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit." if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab. If you are completely addicted to caffeine. if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe. if you consider ANY non-science course "easy." if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe. if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use. if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier. if you understood more than five of these indicators. if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. Let's get thisstraight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. It's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. Trucks are made to get dirty. Don't bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my hunting camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It won'thappen. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, well if that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in,we Will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for---bait. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. Our women are some of the best looking in the country.We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables,and breads. We use three spices- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards - it spooks the fish. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come out of there with an educationand a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked bythe best! Our Military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas.