Billable Hours And General Legal Jokes

A poor farmer was accused of stealing a prize sheep from a wealthy neighbor's flock. He went to the town's smartest lawyer, who agreed to take the case for a fee of one hundred dollars. During the trial, the lawyer advised the farmer to remain completely silent and simply reply to every question asked by the prosecutor or judge with a simple sheep sound: "Baaaa!" The prosecutor asked, "Did you steal the sheep on the night of the fourth?" The farmer replied, "Baaaa!" The judge asked, "Do you understand the charges against you?" The farmer replied, "Baaaa!" Convinced the farmer was mentally unfit to stand trial, the judge dismissed all charges and set him free. After leaving the courtroom, the lawyer walked up to the farmer in the hallway, held out his hand, and said, "Well, that was a brilliant defense! Now, please pay me my one hundred dollar fee." The farmer looked at the lawyer, smiled warmly, and said, "Baaaa!"

A lost lawyer was wandering through the Sahara desert, dying of thirst, when he stumbled upon a buried brass lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and a giant Genie erupted in a cloud of purple smoke. "I am the Genie of the Lamp!" boomed the spirit. "I will grant you three wishes, but there is one condition: whatever you wish for, every lawyer in the world will receive double!" The lawyer thought for a moment. "For my first wish, I want a brand-new Ferrari." Poof! A shiny red Ferrari appeared, and across the globe, every lawyer received two Ferraris. "For my second wish," said the lawyer, "I want ten million dollars in cash." Poof! A briefcase filled with cash appeared, and every lawyer in the world received twenty million dollars. "And for your final wish?" asked the Genie. The lawyer grinned wickedly, scratched his chin, and said, "For my final wish, I'd like to donate one of my kidneys!"

A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer all died on the same day and arrived together at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter informed them that Heaven was currently undergoing structural renovations and only had room for one person. "To make this fair," Saint Peter said, "I will ask each of you one question. Whoever answers correctly gets the spot." Saint Peter turned to the doctor. "What famous ship sank in 1912 after hitting an iceberg?" The doctor replied immediately, "The Titanic." "Correct," said Saint Peter. He then turned to the engineer. "How many people died on that ship?" The engineer thought for a moment and answered, "Approximately fifteen hundred people." "Correct," said Saint Peter. Finally, he turned to the lawyer, smiled, and asked, "Name them."

A man died and went to Heaven, where he was greeted by Saint Peter for a tour of the afterlife. As they walked down a long corridor, the man noticed thousands of clocks hanging on the walls, each ticking at entirely different speeds. "Why are all these clocks ticking at different rates?" asked the man. Saint Peter explained, "These are Life Clocks. Every person on Earth has one. Every time a person tells a lie, the hands on their clock move forward by one minute." The man pointed to a clock that wasn't moving at all. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's clock," said Saint Peter. "The hands have never moved because she never lied." The man looked around the corridor, searching for a specific name. "Where is the clock for my corporate attorney?" Saint Peter chuckled and pointed up at the ceiling fan in Jesus's private office. "Oh, we keep his clock up there. We're using it as an electric ceiling fan!"