Male Bashing Collection 1

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex? A: Because they are plugged into a genius. Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? A: They don't have time. Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg? A: They won't stop for directions. Q: Why did God put men on earth? A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. Q: Why don't women have men's brains? A: Because they don't have penises to put them in. Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common? A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them. Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock. Q: Why do men masturbate? A: It's sex with someone they love. Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. Q: Why did God make men before women? A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy. Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white? A: So he can tell if he is coming or going. Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet. Q: What is the thinnest book in the world? A: What men know about women. Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. Men will screw anything. Q: How does a man take a bubble bath? A: He eats beans for dinner. Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay? A: A half hour of begging. Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused? A: He's breathing Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds? A: Government bonds mature. Q: How do you save a man from drowning? A: Take your foot off of his head. Q: What do men an beer bottle have in common? A: They are both empty from the head up. Q: How can you tell if a man is happy? A: Who cares? Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A: We don't know. It's never happened. Q: How are men and parking spots alike? A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped. Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework? A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!?" What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in thegarden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now." The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt. "Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size." The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"

And God created woman. She had two arms, two legs and three breasts. And it was good. And God asked woman what she would like changed about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good. She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob... And God created man.

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability. Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms....."